Dedication to a friend, to those who feel the same, and to myself.

The most painful thing in the world, is not NOT being to tell the person how much he/she meant to you.

The most painful thing in life, is to see, with your own eyes, the love of your life falling for someone else in front of you and you can’t do anything about it.

white in white

How many times can a heart break? How broken can a heart shatter?

How deep…. can a heart hurt?

No matter where you are, my visuals are only meant for you and you alone. You outshine all and above the rest and in my eyes, you are perfect. And everything around you just tend to blur out.

But do you notice me?


So painful till you can’t withstand any longer?

So painful till you want to hurt yourself, to divert that pain to something more physical. To work till you fall ill. To intoxicate yourself until reality detaches itself from you. To run away so to avoid facing the truth. To cut yourself because it hurts so much on the inside you rather it hurts on the outside.

You close your eyes, and hope you will never need to wake up tomorrow, and forever live in your dream. Nothing changes in dreams.

stand out

Things done, time spent, moments shared… it all seem meaningless now. Suddenly everything that were wonderful, everything that kept me prancing in the morning, humming while taking a shower, smile sillily while working/playing/watching a horror movie, became memories in an instant.

And the pain rouses up and it hurts, oh it hurts badly. How can such beautiful memories turn into something so painful, a nightmare that haunts you every night, every waking hour, for what feels like an eternity?

A friend once told me, the most painful experience, is to see the love of your life, falling in love with the person you trust the most.

Another friend shared with me: the ultimate pain is to love someone so deeply and be loved in return, and to see him go back to the arms of another woman every night.

Cheat. Betrayal.
To be cheated and to cheat. To betray and be betrayed.

How broken can a heart break?

How hurt can a heart hurt?


It has been raining non stop these few days, as though the sky empathizes how I feel. Does it rain because god understands the agony I’m going through inside; or because I am sad, therefore it rains. The coldness of this wet weather freezes my heart, or it is because I’m already frozen inside.

I press my hand over to my chest close to my beating heart: “Yes I’m still alive.”

yellow flower

“When will this pain stop?”


77 kissed Nicole

  1. Hi Nicole,

    I have been reading your blog and I would like to say that I really like it! I wish you'd pull yourself together and be that happy-go-lucky girl again. Best wishes.

  2. Hey Nic, hang in there, that is the worst place to be for sure but you're greater than all that and you'll pull through if you push yourself. Take care.

  3. nicole dear,
    sayang sayang..hugz hugz..time will heal evrything..

  4. Oh babe. I feel for you. Just hang in there and I know everything will be fine. You are much stronger than you think you are. Take care.

  5. Be content still be able to feel it. Wait till you can even know how does it feel anymore.

  6. Stalker-san15/12/07 4:23 PM

    The pain will never stop. Because life itself is pain.

    I know how you feel. Cheesie doesn't even know I exist. T_T

  7. the pain will stop the day you realised that your world revolves around YOU and not HIM.

  8. Nicole,

    The pain will be there, but life goes on. There's really no need to hurt yourself because of someone else's mistakes.

    Please bring yourself together. Tomorrow is a better day.


  9. Love is like rain.
    You are angel to all of us not to him....

    keep on your gd works..


  10. Nicole....Although time will not heal, but healing take time.....Where ignorance is a bliss, its folly to be wise.Love maybe magic, but magic can also be an illusion....


  11. Nicole, looks like you need a break, a change of environment from all these......i will rescue u!! WOO!! Europe trip next year!! Still remember??:p

  12. Yah... Time will heal in this.... Even that is take a long time to get heal.... But remember: healing take time ... Smile and see in future.... Future is waiting for u to explore more ... Jiayouloh

  13. the walking fat ass15/12/07 6:44 PM

    dear nicole,

    the same kind of pain haunted me for years. yet, life goes on. only during middle of the night, or somehow , somewhere when i am all alone. it hit me suddenly. i felt the tear and a need for cry. but the pain is there for too long, too deep and the cry is tearless. just endless emptiness.

    time do heal. although we never know how long it will takes.

  14. I just went through all those you've mentioned, life is wonderful but it's not that perfect, it would be from heaven to hell when u saw the person u love goes with the other person and yet u can't do anything about it. Perhaps I’ve to learn trying to let go, just like what’s written in the song “最后的疼爱是手放开” but loves just hard to go in and out like hotel, time perhaps….. maybe u might see me around pub drunk like xxxx…to all ppl that never lost hope in love.

  15. peipei88.blogspot.com15/12/07 7:12 PM

    Nicole! cheer up!!!!
    its the matter of time! Hope u can get thru all this pain very soon!

  16. Nicole,

    I wished I could reach out to you and just hug you and feel you. Reason being, I am feeling pretty much the same. Except that I am supposed to get married with the man I thought was my soulmate, then before we had even gotten married, I had gotten pregnant and we were supposed to get married immediately and make it an even happier occasion. I quit my highly-paid job, moved from my hometown to East Malaysia, getting ready to get married - and then his family decided to outcast me and my baby, and the man whom I thought I could rely on, bailed out on me.

    I am only 26.

    I have kept my pregnancy intact, and went down so low it was unimaginable, to bargain for a small unit of family for my baby. The man, whom I have known for 13 years, who was so devoted to me previously, told me it's either I go his way or my highway.

    Now, we are back being outcasted from his family, him blaming me for his family hating me, him not caring for my pregnancy at all, and we are not married yet.

    I had just delivered my baby last Friday, and I Thank God each day, that at least....I have a safe delivery and a healthy baby despite all the grieving and anger and sadness I have felt since I was 2 months pregnant.

    Nicole, life goes on. You are lucky you discovered the true colors of the man whom you have loved so much, I was a ... little late.

    I know I have to option to leave with my child back to Peninsular, but I need to at least, give my child a chance to get to know her father instead of telling her that the father is a complete b*stard.

    Hang on there. Have faith that life will only get better.

    Carpe Diem.

  17. I left out the last part...

    Now, the relationship has already gone down the drain. He is practically, emotionless to me. I am still hanging on. Why? Because I know, life does not end here. I want to make sure I have tried to make the best out of the worst, before leaving for good.

    I would be thankful if things turn out for the better, but if it doesn't - "Hey, life goes on."

    I will definately pack my bags and leave here with my beautiful daughter.

    Hang on there.

  18. Yes, it hurts so much until you wished you had a wooden heart so you don't have to feel and therefore get hurt anymore..

    It's easy to fall in love, but difficult to be loved in return, and even more difficult to keep that love..

    You will be loved, alright? Keep the faith.. You have so much to give and many many good men out there who are willing to receive.

    Love will come =)

  19. it will stop the day u can let him go...

  20. 最重要的,你要好好爱你自己。活得比他还快乐,这将是你的另一个里程碑!






  21. Hi Nicole,

    Yes loving someone there is a cost to losing someone.

    I won't say i know how you feel right now. Cause i not sure how much that person meant to you.

    But i can only say this as a part of advice. The longer you carry the beg of burden with your arm, only you can feel the numb and pain.Try to let it go... if you can.

    You might think i saying it like so easy. Yes...its not easy but you need to wake up and smell the rose. You got youth , you got a life. Don't waste too much time on it.

    Bcos i already been there , done that.

  22. KnightFrank15/12/07 9:22 PM

    Anyone u can nvr get seem to be the perfect one.
    U won't know until u are together.
    Anyone u got together seems to be the last one.
    U won't know again until u are together.
    dun be soo sure he is the ONE
    cause in actual u have no idea
    Everyone wants something they can nvr's normal...

  23. I feel what you feel right now, my miserably 23th birthday.

  24. Nicole,

    Reading your past few entries tell me alot of what you have going through.
    My heart goes out to words or consolation is going to be enough to heal the pain or make you lose that painful memory...
    Though it is tough, we have to let go and move on. It is human nature to embrace in feeling sad and miserable about certain chapters in life..but after giving yourself some time to feel sad and miserable, you got to pick up the pieces and move on..
    Show him that he is no longer in the present, but a closed chapter..
    hope you stay strong and cheerful

  25. hey nicole... cheer up, girl!!! i know how you feel right now, feeling the same way myself... i love the way you express your feelings in your posts, really gets me thinking and feeling the pain as well coz those are all truths that we have to face... but ive gotta say this, i respect you a lot for still being able to write a blog post about it... if that was me... i probably be crying in the shower and eating pills to bed and then... blog about it a few donkey days later... so, be strong girl... stay cheerful... i really love the cheerful Nicole!!! =D

  26. sorry to read and understand what you have been going thru. I think you better get some help before you ended up killing yourself or somebody.
    perhaps even landing in klinik berjaya :-(

  27. i feel the same sometimes

  28. it was monday morning and i got ditched by a guy whom i thought i'd spent a lifetime with him. i took, not for long, 4 months to get over him. he's a history, he's in the book. no more him, nothing.

    time will heal everything, yes but the scar really remains... i know that kinda shit feeling. it just aches whenever you see lovely couple together on the street. but you know what, get a better guy and if he's truthful to you, let him do the job of removing the scar. :)

  29. blah~ how come we're all going through the same misery?! man, i feel your pain, nicole! xD

    hopefully the pain will subside one day..sigh

  30. The key to solve this is to change Focus.

    Memories will come, but always always change your focus.

    For me now, I am gonna make sure I work damm hard on my business to get my dream car.

  31. I suggest you start thinking for the future LONG-Term.

    Very soon you will find your perfect partner who will stay faithful for the rest of your life. So stay positive as a much much much loving and caring partner is on your way.

  32. The pain will stop when u remember that for every person that dislike/hate you..there is another person always willing to hold you hand..

    You just need to let go slowly..time is good healer

  33. ello,

    just go and tell that fella how you feel... if he likes you, great and you can thank me. If he doesn't, fine and at least you tried and now can get on with your life. Ten, twenty years down the line you will have no regret you actually asked... believe me!

  34. I was in the same situation but it was easier to let go when he finally had a girlfriend. It hurt a lot initially but it was far easier to put down than before.

  35. I was in the same situation but it was easier to let go when he finally had a girlfriend. It hurt a lot initially but it was far easier to put down than before.

  36. I know how u feel.. and i know it's difficult to accept the phrase " time will tell or time will cure ur pain " but it does cure.. Whenever I cried, the rain will fall.. I took a year to heal and I am glad we didnt be together at the first place..

    Be strong..

  37. nicole....

  38. "the ultimate pain is to love someone so deeply and be loved in return,
    and to see him go back to the arms of another woman every night." i cried when i read this. because i knew how it felt. love tringle is difficult, it only teaches you to be stronger. never ever even start any emotion attachment in this case, because 99.99%, you'll be the one ending up getting hurt. not like that he even cares. believe me, he's not hurting. he wouldn't. because, he has someone else that loves him and whom he loves, while you're left with nobody, but him. you have to accept that he's taking you for a ride, regardless of what he may have said otherwise (for him to feel better himself). it'll be easier for you to heal. stop thinking he'd actually cared, because if he did, you wouldn't be even posting this entry.

  39. Don't you think that there's small possibilities that somebody is crying thinking of you right now, watching you falling apart to somebody else. Pull yourself together, start new adventure. the world doesn't need to collapsed together with him going away. cheers.

  40. daud beckham16/12/07 4:03 AM

    hi nicole

    kau putus cinta ke?
    jgn sedih sedih lah

    mari la kita pegi makan donut lagi best

  41. its infatuation, everyone has those moments.

    She doesn't need a change of environment cuz that would be exaggerating. She just need to express herself which she already did, now just let time heals itself. We are weak when it comes to feelings, so suck it up! :D

  42. I KNOW YOU ARE NOW LIKE,'i have nothing,but i have everything when i have him'


    'To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others'

  43. Change of environment does help.New environment, new life, new experience, new helps with self discovery as well :)> It helps with the process of letting go....

  44. Some Advice...16/12/07 12:08 PM

    This is not the end of the world. You still have your most precious things at your side: Your Family :)

    I believe you will always be able to find another man, but not another family.

    Take care, Nicole =)

  45. i've nvr left u any comment before but i do enjoy reading ur blog. =)

    i hope you'll be okay soon nicole. =)

    when love is lost,
    do not bow ur head in sorrow,
    instead, hold your head high up,
    and gaze into the heavens,
    for that is where ur heart has been sent to heal.

    so cheer up. =)

  46. Woo...My wife wanted to leave me too... :(

  47. Miss Piggy lass's advice (above) is a good one as it is timely.

    Also. avoid the person like a plague. Hurt as it might, the distance will soothe the pain.

    Hang in there.

  48. Aww nicole..

    Stay strong..

    Sorry I cant say much..


  49. I understand what you are going through. When I broke up with my 1st girlfriend, my world came shattering down into pieces. Her mom called and siad she forbid the both of us together. Then she left a voicemail saying good bye. That's it. From that day on, i was like a zombie, breathing, eating, surviving. Later we met yet she pushed me away everytime. Within a year, she moved on and found herself a new boyfriend. Me, I was still in denial. I just couldn't understand how could something so beautiful turn so wrong? It took me 2 long years, everyday pondering why it can be so, teary nights and blank days every day. Her calling me a jerk who can't move on and back off.

    Now 5 years later, she is with another guy and I had another relationship which just ended. All i can say is, i do not regret the days and nights i cried cos it made me so much strong in my belief in love and everything else. We can never change others or ourselves but we can change the way we view ourselves.
    Love is being happy knowing that special someone is happy. Cos he/she meant more than you right? That is what I learnt after over 700 days. Hope it wouldn't take too long for you.



  50. Remember in the movie THE BEACH when he says the best thing about traveling is as soon as the plane takes off you just forget about everything at home. I think that was in the movie, or maybe it was in the book. Maybe it wasn't THE BEACH at all, I don't know, anyway. I think it's time for you to go somewhere. You are a traveler. No more Thailand. No more asia. I think you need Africa now. Hope you feel better.

  51. the pain will heal... eventually. but don't let the pain turn to hate in the future... but be glad that you gave urself the chance to love the person, even if he did not care or did not notice. that experience will open up a new wonderful space which is stronger for a deeper and more fruitful love.

  52. My friend once told me:-

    Like water...

    'Lupakan yang keruh, simpankan yang jernih'

    It's not something that you can get over with immediately. It takes time but at the same time, the thoughts of all the happy moments will make you smile. No doubt things can't work out, but at least there're fond memories from it.

    You're a pretty and smart girl. You'll find someone one day.. or that someone will find you one day ;) so.. don't be so sad ok?

  53. I enjoy reading your posts.. and this one is one of my current favourites... stay strong girl, there's no need to cry over someone who will not cry for you. Cheers.

  54. Nic dear,
    The pain can only ease when you manage to gather yourself together again.
    The pain is the result of you being pulled apart in all directions and it's difficult to gather all the pieces together again.
    You will have to find them, some scattered in most unlikely places where only your memories can retrieve them.
    When you are done, you will come to your full circle.

    "Life is all worth it, regardless of what happens"

  55. Hi nicole,

    life is full of happiness and sadness, jut try to cherish every moment with our beloved one



  56. hey nicole,
    i usually read blogs but have never left any comments.
    however, i have to say that i have really felt your last few posts, and whilst reading them i felt as if they were voicing out exactly how i feel. i couldn't and wouldn't phrase it otherwise.
    i wish i were good with words and couldn't churn out a comment that could instantaneously make you feel better upon reading it. or i wish there were something i could do, other than just sympathise and say "i understand", cause i know this feeling sucks. big time. having him permanently stuck on your mind, that being particularly painful during those rainy nights when you're alone. having all the little things remind you of him and the things you did together. all the songs and places having a significant memory of some sort. wishing upon wish that that incoming call were from him. pondering if things would change in the future, and wondering what happened halfway. wishing some things could be changed.
    but you know? i think it's time you and i, we got over it. no guy is worth so much pain and hurt. it's time we got back up and embraced all we have going. i know it's easier said than done, and im pretty much being hypocritical by typing and telling you all these while i am in my own state of emoness too.
    you know, nicole, you're really pretty, and i would kill to have looks and height like yours. you really are a lucky girl, and although you probably have heard this countless times, you deserve better than whoever that guy is. and i also know that saying this won't make much of a difference because i myself have heard that many times, but it is true. do take care and have a merry christmas.
    may 2008 be a better year for us both, and everyone else who feels the same. hugs.

  57. hey nicole,

    absolutely understand what you're going through as i'm going through it myself as well at the moment! thanks for having such courage to write it out and letting others know that we are never alone when facing certain problems. let's hope for the best =)

  58. now now, dont do anything stupid now, babe.

  59. Dear Nic,

    *hug* Hang in there. i totally understand how you feel. but the sad truth is...

    -Love is never unconditional.
    -we might not end up with the love of our live; if we do, we are damn lucky
    -there is never the right one, just hope we dun end up with the wrong one
    -be at peace with thouself
    -live life and let go

    i left the love of my live due to life circumstances and i'm still suffering after 2 years..

    need to let go and look forward dear.

    my prayers and best wishes are with you

  60. Hang in there. You get by, thats for sure. It will be a while but you will surive this. I know cause I'm holding onto this belief that I will be able to face myself in the mirror and see a honest smiling face again; not the kind of smile I've been putting on just to let my friends and family think that I'm ok.
    It hurt very much when the person who once say that she love you for who you are, now decide that you are just not the person she dream of sharing her life with. All the whispers of "I love you" each night and morning; every "I miss you"; all seems so meaningless now.
    It might seems it's very hard to move on. But if the other person have move on, there is no reason for us to hold on to the memories that was created together cause its no longer a shared's just a one-side burden that will forever weight you down, unless you let go...
    Nicole, take your time to heal and get back in touch with everything you hold dear before... You will get through, I know you will...

    Take care

  61. Hi again Nicole:
    It's really sad and hurtful to see the one that you treasured HIM the most fall for other girl...

    Someone told me once that"If you and him and meant to be together, no matter what happen you will definitely have a happy life with him; but if he is not meant for you,no matter how much you tried to hold on him, it won't going to work out" I do believe in this, but it's easier to say than action...only the person that been through this will know the true pain of this "cut"...

    So don't let yourself/ ourselves down, for sure you/we will find someone that really meant to be 'YOURS'/'OURS'...

    cheer up Nic..

  62. Thats what we call life! Keep on going...

  63. Oh crap... somehow we're rowing in the same boat. I can't blog bout it in fear it'll be known among my fellow ring of friends but shit, I understand what ur feelin n wat ur going thro. Tough luck innit?

  64. steveneleven17/12/07 5:20 PM

    wow.. your words are so... sad... very. Bad news is u are hurt and will be hurting for some time. Good news is you will come off a better person, able to better empathize with others in similiar dilemma. "Does one get used to being heart-broken"? I asked myself that years ago. Answer: no. And thats a good thing. It makes me feel ALIVE, and human. haha. beware of rebound tho coz u will end up hurting the next guy. And that sucks for both of u. Anyhow take care. good blog.. an dyes I read it coz u're hot haha. hey go shopping. the sales are insane these feative season days.

  65. 我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台


  66. Nicole,

    How I wish I can give you a hug....

    I understand your pain. The man that I love cheated on me again and again. And I just found out he has another woman somewhere else....just before I read this entry....

    I wish the pain can stop. I wish I can slice my heart to pieces.....if it can just take away the pain....

  67. Hi nicole,

    This is the first time i leave a comment. Im in the same shoe as u are now. It's excruciating. The agonies and pain, no one would know. We were together for 2 years of which 1.5 years is long distance. I promised that I will wait for him, and he promised that he will come back for me. But he broke the promise. I was devastated. I felt betrayed. Felt cheated. I did what you did. I hurt myself, I took pills to sleep. I felt so sorry and stupid for doing so. But I realised that I'm actually hurting those who really love me - my parents, my siblings and true friends - those who would give me unconditional love. His love for me is conditional. I know deeply my parents will be very sad and worried if they knew I did such things.

    Im still healing, still struggling. I still hope he would come back to me.

    I'm also learning to move on. Learning to let go. Taking a step at a time, slowly.

    Nicole, let's stand up together ok? We must believe in ourselves!

  68. I felt the same as u. I have a crush on this guy for 2 years already and I really like him a lot yet he don't seems to notice my presence. When he falls for another gal my heart was totally crushed. I believed that eventhough the one we love may have flaw, to the ones who love them they are just perfect. I'm tired of waiting for a dream that never comes true. But during this holiday when i thought I've forget him for GOOD deep inside my heart I've notice the one I've miss the most is him. I can't control my feelings for him. I like him for who he is....
    When he smiles I smile stupidly when his heart is broken by others I hope that I can't mend his broken heart cus when he is in pain... My heart is in pain as well.
    When I read ur blog entry I'm touched to find out someone felt the same way as I do as I don't know how to express it out as fluently as u do. Thanks for posting this entry.

  69. Feel the pain and only after that will u find peace with yourself and your life. ^^


  70. Barons Brew18/12/07 1:02 PM

    Go suicide ler....So easy

  71. FrozenFrost18/12/07 5:25 PM

    I would agree that is the most painful experience one have to go through. Am not saying that I've been through it, but at least I know that it is so painful waiting for the one that you love.

  72. It is always more painful the first time. But when it comes to the 2nd, 3rd time that your heart is broken, the pain lessens and you get use to pain and it wont hurt so much.

    I said it before and I will say it again, it is better to have loved and lost than NOT to have loved at all.

  73. frozenfrost20/12/07 4:43 PM

    what anonymous said is true, but for me, I'm the type that NOT to have loved at all. sigh...

  74. frozenfrost20/12/07 4:48 PM

    Nah... no worries la. Everything gonna be fine coz eventually you will find the answer.
    "When people love others, they grow weaker, though it's nothing to be ashamed of. True weakness lies elsewhere."

  75. I am quite new to your blog. I was referred to it by my best friend.

    Finding out about someone is a timely process. You can still be with someone and still not really know them.

    After reading the comments on your blog from your friends; i can derive that you a lovely person. I hope you allow yourself to grieve and to jump back on your feet. Go and hang out with your friends. Window shop, wall climbing, bake or even charity...get involved in voluntary work. Do anything that might be a good therapy for you. Do something that makes you feel good. Remind yourself that being the person you have so much to give to this world & the people in it.

    Life is too short to dwell on old/bad things that dont count anymore dear.

    May you find yourself back.

  76. Hello!

    I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use the photograph you have posted in this book. Please contact me at, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.