Finding a Balance
So I don't particularly feel like blogging about my travels today. Though I just finished resizing a batch a photos and now they're sitting quietly on my desktop.
We all know the influence of blogs and what they can do. But have you wondered about the life span of a blogger?
I've been trying to rediscover my life recently. Which I have been doing for past two years over and over again. Seeking what I hope would give me an answer to all life's mysteries. It lead me to finding love, twice.
I have wrote two consecutive posts on my facebook recently. Each of them contradict one another. It shows how messed up and complicated my mind was at times, fickle, if you may.
Explain this feeling...
Why do I feel so lonely sometimes?
Even when there are so many people around me. People I love and care and who love and care for me.
This song playing on my window media player always gets to me. It sings about a song in the past, my past, something that I shouldn't be relating to anymore, and yet I am here, listening, feeling all worked up for it.
Should I be here? Am I destined to be somewhere else, somewhere not here. Anywhere other than here.
My body feels heated from all this alcohol inside my bloodstream.
I feel like swaying, dancing in my head, floating around the room, or was it the room that's floating around me. I can't tell.
"I can't make you love me, if you don't."
"I can't make you feel something you won't."
It's the past. I know.
And the previous one.
The world with you.
Where's my passion? Has it gone? Has it flown?
Where did the days go, the days when I would not care two hoots to take a spontaneous ride in the wild, to somewhere foreign and distant. What went wrong, have things changed? If they have, what were they?
Sometimes I secretly wish I'm few years younger, and that none of this has ever happened, everything in life is uncertain yet, and age was never an issue. I would just go, and never come back, at least till I think there's a need to.
Explore, experience, try, seek. Things to do in life that was meant to be done, meant to be tasted, to experience. So many of them. I want to try them all.
But now I am so contented, with the stability, with the easiness in my heart. Foreign culture doesn't interest me that much anymore, it seem distant, boring, unattractive. Whereas the mundane, the repetitive has stepped in, molded themselves comfortably on the sofa in my house, with a cup of hot tea and a good book. A smile, a kiss and a hug every now and then. Airports are no longer my second home, I no longer lull my luggage from one end of the world to the other, live out of my suitcase, counting how much I have left in a certain currency or how much I should convert for the next currency. Looking into hotels, motels, lodges and hostels for a few nights of stay for the next few days. Wondering what would I be expecting in the next few turns, who I will meet, what I will eat.
No, those days seem distant, and boring.
Since when I've been so easily contented.
Well.. I guess you've changed my world. Haven't you?
As I read through most of the notes I posted, I realized that he was right afterall, for he knew me best. Even in such short span of time, he knew me, from the inside.
"Even if you're happy in love, you will never be happy in life, not this life. This is not you, I know you better. You need to explore, you life is out there."
Maybe, life isn't all about adventure. Maybe the next adventure in life is starting right now, right where I belong. Even if my heart and mind do wander, but it always comes back here. I've never seen it this way, but maybe I been accustomed to my so-called comfort zone, of shooting from one place to another, commitment-free, hassle-free, care-free, not needing to worry about the next thing in life.
It's not typical, but it IS my comfort zone. I don't really know any other lifestyle than this since I was 17. My heart has been wild, seeking for the next adventure, and I know I will never grow accustom to settling down, not entirely. But maybe it's time to learn to cope. Or least to find alternative to make it work my way.
So before that, maybe, I could have just one more adventure.
Just one more.
Tags:
Just Blabbing
15 kissed Nicole
i guess last week is the most horrible week for us at this time of age... i travel sometimes, not as frequent as you do and pratically the whole last week i had the same thought like you...
ReplyDeletei was rejected indirectly and it is unacceptable at all by me...
it is nice to have someone that share the same feeling (the uncertainty feeling) like me ...thank you..
there's nothing wrong with blogging and don't give up ur passionate heart..
ReplyDeletekeep blogging!!
Somehow ... at first I thought blogging was a way of putting anger/happiness or whatever feelings into words because it's either the blogger doesn't have anyone to share their feelings with or don't dare to share it out... but a few other blogs that I'm following too... Ringo's... and Kenny's ... it's really nice to read on how you guys are going through life and I understand that you want to share it with other people... but you need to understand it.. you are doing this because you want to do it...
ReplyDeleteYou can choose not to do it but no.. because you care about readers like us... we are apart of you as well... being lonely is one thing.. everyone goes through this phase of life it's just a matter on how you want to handle it... but no matter how... the people around you ... is always there for you.. always...
p.s I have no idea what I've written lol... you take care nicole..
falsafah... falsafah...
ReplyDeleteanyway life is a journey girl, not a destination. you just go with the journey & pick up all the good things to be learned & the bad things as lessons & spread them all. that's a true blogger should do.
Dun take life too seriously or you will never get out of it alive.
ReplyDeletei do think that you shouldn't tie youself up and forbid yourself from adventure as this life is yours and you only get to live once. so go for it, whatever it is that you want, be it love, adventure or other important things.
ReplyDeletewith today's advances in medical technology,
ReplyDeletewe can practically add years to the average human's lifespan.
but with respect to that,
it's how we fill those years that would gradually influence our life.
yo, i agree with thunderbird.
live the moment!
I guess life is all about enjoying the happy and sad moment all together. life is a journey well for me to short even for happiness.....enjoy what u r doing....blogging is a dictionary of ur life...even not a complete one!
ReplyDeleteplease take care :)
ReplyDeletethis post of yours made my heart skip several beats... i think a lot about these things lately, and you repeat my thoughts, literally (almost a bit scary :))))
ReplyDeletei don't think it's a matter of age - if you manage to find the balance, age just doesn't matter anymore - that's what i believe :)
but is it possible to find that balance and make it last? or is it "keeping" rather than just "finding"?
anyway, i know you can do it, Nic :) being free-spirited and strong and once, you can always make peace between the exolorer and the comfort-zone-lover inside you :)
Ah Nicole, I think that the few hottest post you got in the past were the ones which caused a debate on your blog, those are some interesting post you got there...U noe Oprah??...She's good at this...hehe...just my 2 cents lar...
ReplyDeleteGood luck and all the best...(^_^)"
There's a saying by Baba Amte... "add life to years rather than years to life"...
ReplyDeleteDon't let those weird feeling contradicting your activities...
ReplyDeleteFeel comfortable doing things you like such as blogging and travelling! I think you just need to find yourself to settle down and live with it until you get married, have babies and retired!
My advice: Live your life to the fullest and remember, LIFE IS SHORT & FRAGILE...
Our destiny changes with our thought; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thought corresponds with our desire.
ReplyDeleteIf you want adventure, why don't you take it up the poop chute like any bad girl would. That'll straighten you up for sure.
ReplyDelete