Words unsaid

Short note: updated my food blog. Flower tea!!!

There are words I wanted to say it out, but I decided not to. Not because I don't want to, but sometimes it's better to just ignore and avoid for the moment. It's not cowardly, it takes patience, courage and wise thoughts; while many things should be faced full frontal, there are things better off left unsaid unspoken unannounced.

I used to envision it so perfectly, but it turned out differently. Everything, things that I thought they would be so perfect. They ARE still perfect, just not my way of perfection.

I wanted many things, and I know I will get them, as long as I put my heart to it. But I'm greedy, I want them now, and I want them to happen, and time seems to be not on my side, though that's not the case.

Life will still be perfect, life has always been, despite how short it is, even if one only lives up to 25 years old.

I met someone today, someone who changed my thought for a while. A girl, German, who has bone cancer and very limited time left on earth. She lived in the hospital bed for two years, untreatable, the doctor sent her away to travel, better that living the rest of her life in bed. We went to the vineyard for wine tasting, me and her and few other strangers we met today. She has this tube that connects her bladder to a plastic container outside where she urinates. She appeared absolutely normal on the outside, in fact, i thought she was just like any other traveller when I first met her at the bus interchange this morning. It was till we talked about our travel objectives half way through the day that she revealed her secrets, or more like, we found out her status.

She looked young, mid to late twenties I would say? She takes medication every few hours and will writhe in extreme pain every night. She has no family, limited budget and no travel insurance because no insurance company will take a cancer patient; so she travels with caution.

She cried on the way back tonight, and everyone couldn't help but to look away. How do you comfort someone who's about to die? Least to say that someone has no family. We have no words, I have no words. No amount of pity or sympathy or condolence will suffice. I wanted to be her friend, I wanted to spend more time with her, there's a part of me wish that I am her family, but will that be an act of pity? I don't know.

I read about stories of cancer patient suvivors, some became successful when recovered, publishing books and became inspirational figures. These people inspire us and bless their souls that they turned out alright, but here in front of me, as inspirational as anyone can get, is someone who has no hope, someone who isn't about to make it, still trying to see the world, still trying to make some hope.

I can only sincerely hope she's living life to fullest. That will be the only way to live for her. In fact, that should be the only way to live for anyone.

Sometimes I want to ignore everything and chase for my dreams, my love. But reality keep pulling me back, reality in the sense of people around me. People whom I need to fulfil such dreams with, are pulling me back. And I get stuck.

I guess this is what you called commitment? Or is it responsibility?

But then I realise, that is silly, ridiculous almost.

What's right or wrong, it didn't matter and it doesn't matter.

And I don't care anymore really.

Because life is just too short.


0 kissed Nicole