Someone help me

You fidgeted before you dial, wondered what I would be doing and if I would be sleeping. You called at the oddest hour and asked if I was ok, if I have eaten, if I have taken shower, if I have finished my work, if I have woken up, etc.

I know you’re lonely. And you wanted someone to talk to.

I was busy, we exchanged a few lines, and I hanged up. You reluctantly agreed.

And I resumed what I was doing.

Those were our past and recent conversation. And I realized how despicable I was.

Today, I cried again.

I was washing the dishes, and I started crying. I was taking a shower, and tears flowed down with the shampoo, into the drain.

It’s the only way I know to release my anger and sadness. I doubt I ever cried in front of anyone, the last time I did was such a long time ago I can barely remember the person’s name.

I’m losing myself. No longer knowing what I was doing, work comes easily as I typed away on the keyboard like a zombie. I thought keeping myself busy would make me forget what day it is and maybe the day will miraculously pass before I could realize.

I picked up the phone and called her several times, we chatted for a while before the doctor has to come and measure her blood pressure, get her blood, move the pillow…etc. And I have to hang up many times.

All my closest friends are asking me out for parties. A new year, a brand new life. Everyone wanted me to be part of it. I rejected all of them, I’m sorry but I couldn’t bring myself to have fun.

Sometimes I reluctantly accepted a few offers to have tea, to have drinks. But all I really wanted was someone to grab hold of me and let me cry into his arms. I was too proud, always have problems revealing how I feel inside. Emotion is my weakest spot and I have grown used to forming a protection around it that a lot of times, everyone around me can hardly feel how I truly feel inside.

But not for you, I know I have been selfish with my feelings in the past, but not for you. Mom, sometimes I get angry, I apologize; sometimes I make mistakes and I know I broke your heart, I’m sorry, I never meant to do that, not in my wildest dream will I ever hurt you. Sometimes I know you just wanted to talk, I should have given you more time, even if I have to put all my things aside just to hear few more words from you.

I have tried to be a good daughter. I don’t know if it’s enough for you. Cause I know I have not given enough, not even 10% of what you have sacrificed for me. You deserve more, so much more. I have so many things I want to share with you, remember that dim sum buffet I always mentioned to you? And the card I sent back from Hanoi on how beautiful Vietnam was and that one day I will bring you and dad there? Also the time when I lost our camera when I brought you backpack to Italy with me two years ago and when you were sulking about the lost photos, I said one day we will go back?

I want to fulfill my promises, all of them. Never once I forget any of them. I just needed more time.

I know time is not on my side now.

Please give me one more chance. Please stay with me. I can’t bear to lose you.

Won’t anyone hear my prayers? Won’t someone touch my pain now and hold back my tears?

Cause I don’t know what to do anymore.