It is this anger that I cannot withstand any longer. I feel that I want to shout and burst out.
Recently I have been a very angry person. So angry I don’t know where I can release this burning anxiety to kill someone now. I have not been this angry for a long time, and not this angry.
I’m not usually an angry person. I’m very easy-going most of the time.
But this case is just unbearable. It makes me want to slaughter all the useless men in the world. It makes me want to defend all the women in the world. It makes me so helpless and I want to gain this immense power to be god suddenly and punish those who deserved to be punished.
I’m not a feminist, never has been; I always like the idea of being the weaker gender. I like guys to treat me like the weaklings we are. But it is this moment that made me want to be an extremist in feminism; to advocate the right of being a woman and to teach each and every woman to stand up for herself.
There are times when one knows one has been stood beyond one's limit.
This is a story, a true story of a dear friend I hold close to. Someone I want to protect but seem powerless to help. Someone I care dearly if only I have the money and power, I will bring her away from her misery. She is a sweet, most temper-less, gorgeous, kind, intelligent and weak girl (been through several surgeries) I have ever met.
To her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to do this, but you are hurting yourself and you are hurting me. I hope you understand that I just want the best for you.”
To him: “you don’t farking have a decent SPM and you don’t even have your OWN career and you still stay with your mom, feel blessed you arsehole”
To all, this is written in Chinese. I will do a brief translation at the end. Some of the name callings have been changed to fit general viewing purposes.
The aim: I want to let all the females in the world know, there are times we have to stand up for ourselves, I want all the man to see clearly what a bastard some men out there can be. But most of all, I want her to know, I will not stop at this, I will not be quiet about this.
Note: any of the following that resembles real life synopsis is purely incidental
//the author asked to remove the original draft
Translation:
Diary of A Dear Friend
I write these things to keep as a diary.
There are no means to state who’s fault it is.
There are many things, even my “boyfriend” can’t empathize,
Being someone’s half daughter, my parent’s daughter…
When my mother in law (nicknamed XXX), said these words,
“Your mom don’t know how to teach you, let aunty teach you”
My husband too will think, my parents are at fault.
When XXX bullies me,
XXX and my husband both will think I’m at fault.
So,
My parents are wrong, I’m wrong;
Only they’re the righteous one.
I’ve been troubled for months,
Half a year to be exact,
Ever since the day we decided to get married…
The idea of marriage started since February this year (2007)
To be honest, I can’t recall how it's like anymore.
I know I’m not suppose to call her XXX,
But…
After so many incidents,
Referring her so is respecting her.
Cause, she has done a lot of things that has directly insulted my parents.
But in front of her , I took it in and never said a word.
And my husband is always at XXX’s side. Blaming me, and my family.
What’s my feeling?... I can’t really say I have feelings anymore.
On the wedding day, I know I was angry,
But what’s the reason behind my temper?...
We fought,
He responded with a sentence: “dun want to get married already!”
And left me alone in the room,
When I went down to find him,
He was eating noodle, and chatting with friends.
I was really angry.
Because X month XX day, my dad’s close friend,
One who helped me took photo of the wedding dinner, and wanted me to be his model.
He wanted to participate in a photography competition, so decided to take my wedding photos on XX day.
Everything was a go…
On XX day…
We were supposed to go for an outdoor shoot…
My “boyfriend” wasn’t being serious about it,
I waited in the restaurant for a long time,
He chatted outside for a long time…
The photographer waited outside for a long time…
In the end… the whole thing was cancelled!
XXX budged in too, “don’t take la don’t take la”
Ok, cancelled.
After that, two days ago, which is on XX month X day.
My sister came and tell me,
The photographer wasn’t very pleased that day,
For cancelling without informing.
Scolded my dad…
But my dad didn’t tell me anything
Coz he didn’t want to affect me.
So, it is my fault? My impulsive action?
Does anyone know that wearing wedding gown while pregnant is very tiring?
Difficult to breathe?
It is reasonable to say don’t get wedded just because of an argument?
And left me alone in the room to have lunch downstairs?
You said you wanted to bring my lunch to me, in the end?
……
Right, it’s my fault. I’m wrong.
I’m pregnant.
But everyday I have to help around doing house chores, help around the shop.
That day, I carried a very heavy pot, my tummy was hurting,
Affected the baby.
Even when I was sick, and feel like resting a bit more.
XXX will accuse, why am I always in the room?
That’s my life. Everyday accompany my husband..
At the shop, at home, play basketball…
Inhale second hand smoke everyday, no baby education.
When I was in University, I already tried not to mention any of these.
Everyday rushed up and down, even when I was ill, even I was pregnant, even when I was having exams…
I would happily go back to my hometown to accompany him.
Even when I was pregnant, I kept it in not telling anyone..
In the end, the one being insulted is me, my family.
They, are right in everything.
I made the wrong choice.
But I can’t turn back.
Whatever XXX said is correct.
Few days, months before my marriage.
Arguments broke out every single day…
My parents are the ones suffering my “misdeeds”
I did regret, really.
But I still believe in my choice.
Even when I can’t stand it anymore and fainted at the bus stop; I still hold it in, everyday.
Because I always believe,
For every smile, there’s a hidden unknown secret lies beneath it.
On our wedding day, there are some who gave me a 0.
But I gave myself 90 out of 100.
I gave my parents: priceless
If a girl such as me, can let you - XXX gives the cold shoulder.
I want to know, who else you – XXX think, is fit to be your daughter in law.
To someone, I rather you marry your ex girlfriend whom your mother asked you to dump,
I also won’t marry you.
To my unborn child, mommy really don’t know what to say to you.
Because, I can’t even give you warmth and a decent family.
This is the second piece.
//the author asked to remove the original draft
Translation:
Maybe, I shouldn’t say much.
Maybe, there’s no use saying so much.
It’s every dog for himself. I understand.
I know that, when a girl, once married, is like water thrown out onto the street.
An incident happened few days ago that I can only wish to forget for the rest of my life.
Supposingly arguments, to me, are like taking daily meals. Maybe I’m used to tears.
But few days ago, I started to re-realize the unreasonable demands of XXX.
Today my parents have to hide in a corner to pass me some things, like thieves.
God, who am I? Am I still my parents’ daughter?
Few days ago, once closing the shop, we wanted to go out to have supper, as a couple.
Just when I was lying on my bed, “drying” nail polishes on my nails…
Suddenly, I was called down by my husband, the moment XXX saw me, she started scolding me.
Scolded me like I was a piece of shit.
Seems like she’s already been throwing her fumes for a while in the shop.
What is she angry about?
Some very small matters.
Even my parents’ names are involved…
One thing XXX best at, is directing at husband and say,
“You go change your surname become X! don’t be O! I don’t have a son like you!”
Okay~
Then husband will turn to me and say,
“If you want to leave, leave! If you want to stay, stay!”
When I heard this, I was stunned for a while, I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I repeated my question to him.
“I said! You want to leave, then leave, want to stay then stay!!”
You don't even want your child?
Him: "It's your decision!! Your decision is none of my business!!!"
What did I do wrong?
Him: “My mom’s not happy”
Right, so you rather choose your mom, and abandon me and your child?
Him: “yes, this is me.”
Franky, I wanted to leave, I wanted to step out of the door and never come back.
Everytime XXX get angry, the following few weeks, my husband will treat me differently.
Everyday anytime him will scold me like I’m not a human.
I want to ask:
Did I marry you? Or did I marry your mom!!!
Did you marry me, or did you marry your mom!!!
These few days, I have been scolded by him without mercy every single day.
Everything because of XXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does my husband love me?
He loves his mom!!
I’m only a maid.
He has a disease! Called “Mummy’s Boy”!!!
I really regret, I fell in love with a guy of no guts!!
I said all these here (in her diary), maybe he will feel hurt.
But the way he treats me, don’t I feel hurt?
My parents do not know all these things; do I have to endure this for life?
I want to leave, to leave forever.
I, now, strongly agree on living together before marriage, why?
I rather suffer a bit of “losses” as a woman before marriage, than to regret after marriage!!!
These few days, I spent my days in tears. I want to die, to leave this world.
I mean it.
To be treated so by her own husband, which woman wouldn’t want to die.
One that’s constantly being controlled by XXX, what use did I marry him for?
I regret, I regret that only after marriage did I see the truth.
I always thought he would change after marriage, turned out all efforts are futile.
Don’t even expect that after giving birth, he would change to love me or his own family.
He rather give up me and his child, than to disobey XXX.
This is him.
He’s a good friend.
He’s also good boyfriend.
But as a husband, as a father,
I hold no opinions or comments.
Because even if I say more, no one will understand.
Unless someone has met a mummy’s boy, they won’t be able to understand how I feel.
Unless someone has interact with XXX, only to feel my pain.
Really want to leave this world, to run away with my child to the moon.
The most painful part, is that my parents have to suffer the same as I do.
Never mind if I suffer alone, the most most hurtful feeling, is that I have hurt my parents.
I used to think my family never gave me the home-y feeling.
Only after I left, did I realize that the only place warm and fuzzy, is my home.
XXX can be angry because of
Small tiny matters, and be picky about it.
My tummy is getting bigger, it gets harder to move about. Sometimes I can’t even breathe. This is due to low blood.
Still, as-a-matter-of-factly, I will go to help out in the shop. Never did I complain.
Still, she will pick out all these tiny details that I do and criticize.
I have to inhale second-hand smoke everyday, XXX don’t see a problem in this.
That day, when I fainted in the shop, my whole body was paralyzed; with little consciousness remained.
I wanted to say something, but nothing came out. I can’t feel the baby inside me.
My husband was scolding me furiously still. I didn’t have the strength to fight back.
But the most reluctant part,
Was that, without being able to control it, urine flow out of my lower body.
It was really embarrassing, I wanted to say it out, so I could feel better.
I’m not afraid that other people might laugh, because my heart is already cold hard as steel.
Long time ago, my husband might have loved me.
But in the presense of XXX and his sister, even his maid,
I’m always the one to stand last in line, even below the maid.
I might appear happy on the outside.
Maybe if I don’t say, no one in the world will know this matter.
I want to leave, to leave him.
To leave a useless man such as he.
He can sacrifice his own child and wife, to please XXX.
Else when he’s not pleased,
He will directly call my father to come and pick me up and drive me back to my home.
Is he still a man?
Is there any man out there can be more despicable than this????
I rather be a single mother.
I rather support a family single handedly.
Leave, just leave.
I know I should be doing this.
But when can I leave? Where can I go?
When? When?
I would like to highlight, the first time she wanted to break up, the “husband” called all his “brothers” to gather in front of her house, threatening to burn her house.
FARK!! Is this still a man? If I have a scissor, I would cut up his dick and feed it to the dogs! If you are a man, be a man and keep your lady the real way, not by force you pathetic creature with no balls!!! You don’t even farking have a JOB!! Mommy’s little shop helper!
Dear, if you read this from wherever you are, be strong. There are a lot of people out there who are willing to help. As long as you extend your hand out and let people help. Please be strong. I’m here. Go to the police, I will accompany you, if only you voice it out.
*update* //author requested to have photo removed
