Sunday, May 20, 2007

From bad to worse

Short Note: I have quit the pageant


What will you do, when you know that your father is only one day away from a surgery that decides his future capability to walk and the doctors don't even dare to estimate the success rate to you?

You sit, think and wait.

The night has never been so painful, and the people you cared the most don't even call to say "hang in there". You just want to be alone, and wish upon an angel will decend and grap your hand and say "everything will be alright". It never happen, never will, and you continue to wait.

I can't remember what I did these few days, I can't recall feeling what I feel, doing what I do. I feel numb, and lonely. The "what if" question keeps floating up my mind, and I hardly communicate with my mom, we fear the same thing, and fear to talk about the same thing. And suddenly, I get so angry at myself, I'm so angry I'm still a student, I'm so angry I can't even support my family, I'm so angry I'm so incapable, I'm so angry I can't even tell my daddy: "Dad, if one day you're unable to walk, I'll take care of you, mentally and financially."

I am so angry I have so little time, so young and so naive. Never have I wished right now like never before I had taken my master earlier. I could if I wanted to, with all the time I had after getting a degree 3 years ago, I would have gotten my master degree by now if I were to continue right after that. But no, I have to wait, and work. If only I started my own business then, I would have gotten further than where I am today. But no, I have to study.

I am upset, angry and annoyed by myself. I never hated myself as much. I want to cry, but that is to admit defeat. I don't wish to make my parents sad or worry, it would only make me a burden. I need time, just a little more time to prove myself.

Daddy, please don't give up on me just yet.

30 comments:

  1. Hang in there Nicole..I know u feel helpless now. But stay strong mentally and physically for your mom and dad..you can do it! HugZ~~

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  2. Don't blame yourself hun. Regardless, you are still a student. And what a student can do now is finish your studies with flying colors. Stop thinking about the "otherwise" because if only we all know the "otherwise" we all would be billionaire. Keep positive thinking, he'll be fine :)

    -H-

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  3. Stay calm Nic. Wish you good luck in everything especially your dad. All the best.

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  4. Hang in there and never give up hope.GH.If there is anything that I can do to help just ask.All the best....if you dont mind me asking, what exactly did you mean by leg failure? Just asking cause Im a final year med student now at Melaka GH. If there is anything I can do to help just ask.All the best.

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  5. I hope writing about what's going on is helping in some small way. I'm sure all your readers are glad to be updated. Best wishes.

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  6. And if you get multiple posts from me it's because blogger has decided to put everything in Dutch so I'm making mistakes posting!

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  7. Right move. Hope everything is well

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  8. your parents need you to be strong now. I'm sure they're always proud of you no matter what.
    Think positively and hope for the best. You must have faith in yourself .

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  9. No word can ever describe ur dampen feeling now. No promise can soften ur worries. No tears can cure ur despairs.

    But we are here when you need us. Be brave and accept whatever future that may lies. Your close ones need you the most now, show them the optimistic face that you once have.

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  10. Penance nor feeling angry with urself won't improve the situation. Try not to worry too much cos worry is wasteful and useless in times like this. Instead, be strong for your family.

    Have faith and know that our prayers are with your family.

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  11. Nicole, don't blame urself. Things just go the way they want to. The grass will always look greener on the other side. Life goes the way it is for you now for a reason. You chose this path for a reason. Nicole, life is simple, you make a decision and you never look back.

    Remember Nicole, you must be tough, hang on there. You family needs you. Even if you can't provide them with financial support, you can always provide them with the moral and spiritual support that they really need right now. Hang in there, buckle up and hope for the best. I'll be praying for your dad and hoping that he recovers real soon. Nicole, let us just cross our fingers and hope for the best alright girl? Cheer up now alright? *Hugz*

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  12. Hey nic, I'm sorry I bug you yesterday. No wonder you are so down. When I left for Australia last year, my mum found out she had a 8cm non malignant tumor in her brain. She underwent an operation and lost one eye to it. She now only relies on one eye to see the world. My family hid it from me so as to not affect my studies. I only got to know about it, half a year later...

    I totally feel you. I know that there's a lot of things that you haven't do for them. You felt like you owe them alot and you have yet to pay them. You want them to be in their best condition till you are finish with them. I feel the same. But on the bright side, you're there for him when he is going through all this. I didn't get a chance to be there for her.

    I'm not going to tell you everything will be ok. I'm not going to tell you be strong. All I'm going to say is, he's still your father whatever it is and be thankful, he's still around. Love him with all your heart then, love him with all your heart now...

    Take care

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  13. Hi, I am one of ur reader. i understand your feeling very much. I had been gone through the similar hard time as you before. That time, i was a student too. I feel helpless as well.But now it is over. Believe me, Nic..just stay strong, and it will over very soon. Dun give up, your parents need your mentally support very much.God will bless you. Take care.

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  14. well.. i have the same perception too, if only i'm not a student now, i would be able to provide for the family but you gotta have faith in the path you have chosen, whatever god throws at you, endure it and you'll be stronger than ever.. take carez..

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  15. dear nicole... pls hang on there...pls be strong... pls dun feel uncapable... and do rmb that god loves u.... and everything is gonna be alright. *big hugs*
    sincerely :)

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  16. No one is at fault here. Don blame yrself for all the "wat ifs" & stop hating yrself cos that the last thing u or yr family wan u to do. One can only do wat is best and wat u are doing now is the best tat one possibly could do. Just be there for yr dad & yr family, & everything will be alright.

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  17. Never give up hope. My dad was critically ill last year, so I kinda know what you are going through. It helps to know what exactly is going on. If you need help in that just email me at melvynchin atgmaildotcom.

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  18. hie nicole,

    there's no one to be blamed at this situation.. things happen for a reason from God.. But trust me, miracles do happen.. my mum was diagnose cancer a few years ago.. she was at the final stage of cancer.. but she made it through miraculously.. this is because my mum told me, she doesnt want to die before seeing her own grandkids.. she wants to live to see her children get married and have their own kids thats y she hung on... so, trust me... miracle do happen... pray to God more often... God will help..

    i will pray for u everyday.. i will go to church and ask everyone in church to pray for u, your dad and your family.. things will be alright...

    keep a positive thinking and most importantly be strong..

    Take care nioole..

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  19. Nic dear,

    my prayers are with you and your family, especially your dad. You are not alone.

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  20. Be tough gal~ *Hug*

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  21. relax dear girl... and don't blame yourself... you can't predict the future... neither can you go back to the past... therefore... hang on and be strong... your world won't just come crashing down... have some faith in yourself... always remember that there are so many people supporting you out there... cheers... =)

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  22. good. you wouldn't have won anyway.

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  23. femalesupporter21/5/07 12:46 AM

    melissa: what the matter is wrong with you, the girl's father is ill and she quit so that she can take care of her father and all you can talk abt is the competition? It isn't all about winning. To me, she won because she quit, all for the right reason, how many girls can do that?

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  24. Be strong girl,it's not your fault.

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  25. I hope u r holding up well..

    It is difficult I know, You are probably feeling lonely and afraid.

    Just hang in there yeah...

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  26. Nicole, I understand how you felt. I've been through what you are going through right now. And I came out of it a better person. Things happened for a reason.

    May God showers His blessings upon you and your family especially your dad. May he recovers soon. Amen.

    Everything will be alright now. Have faith and be strong ya!

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  27. u r in fact a brave gal who speaks your heart out. Family come first always and you dont have to prove yourself at all in the beauty peagent. One thing for sure, your Dad is going to be very proud of u. He has a real good gal in the family

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  28. God will help good people. You are good people. So dont worry too much. All the best in the operation.

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  29. Stay strong. Both your parents need your strength more then ever now...

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  30. nicole, my dad recently went for an operation also. i know how u feel. you must be strong. pray to god and hope for the best.

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