Short Note: I have quit the pageant
What will you do, when you know that your father is only one day away from a surgery that decides his future capability to walk and the doctors don't even dare to estimate the success rate to you?
You sit, think and wait.
The night has never been so painful, and the people you cared the most don't even call to say "hang in there". You just want to be alone, and wish upon an angel will decend and grap your hand and say "everything will be alright". It never happen, never will, and you continue to wait.
I can't remember what I did these few days, I can't recall feeling what I feel, doing what I do. I feel numb, and lonely. The "what if" question keeps floating up my mind, and I hardly communicate with my mom, we fear the same thing, and fear to talk about the same thing. And suddenly, I get so angry at myself, I'm so angry I'm still a student, I'm so angry I can't even support my family, I'm so angry I'm so incapable, I'm so angry I can't even tell my daddy: "Dad, if one day you're unable to walk, I'll take care of you, mentally and financially."
I am so angry I have so little time, so young and so naive. Never have I wished right now like never before I had taken my master earlier. I could if I wanted to, with all the time I had after getting a degree 3 years ago, I would have gotten my master degree by now if I were to continue right after that. But no, I have to wait, and work. If only I started my own business then, I would have gotten further than where I am today. But no, I have to study.
I am upset, angry and annoyed by myself. I never hated myself as much. I want to cry, but that is to admit defeat. I don't wish to make my parents sad or worry, it would only make me a burden. I need time, just a little more time to prove myself.
Daddy, please don't give up on me just yet.