Monday, June 16, 2008

Bad Evening

Chest tightens, the rib cage contorts and squeezes out my last breath. Like woken up by a bad dream, I shoot open my eyes finding myself clasps in a fetus form. A pillow is held tight beneath me, half a blanket stretched around my waist sprouts out across the floor.
What is this wretched feeling?

The room echoes with a repeated media tune I forgot to switch off on my pc before I dozed off on the floor among the piles of pillows on a fur carpet. Half the ceiling curtain is pulled wide apart, the sky outside leaks absolute darkness.

I sit up, attempting to catch my breath but the tightness forces air out of my lungs. I grab hold of my chest, tracing my palm to my throat as through by physically doing so, it will soothe my discomfort. It does not.

Anger still rings inside me, follows by sadness, disappointment. Thoughts of him cloud my mind, what he said and what he didn’t say. The room breathes loneliness. I gather my legs and pull the blanket up to my shoulder. Yet coldness entraps me, runs through my heart and veins; and the room became bigger, quieter, and lonelier, till I was this little speck, with only few centimeters of lights around my barrier.

This conflicting feeling I have, hatred and love; didn’t they say these two emotions share a thin line? Oh how much negativity I have towards him now, how I wish I can scream, shout and spit vile words at someone, at something, at him? Strangely, unwillingly, inevitable even, I miss him. So dearly I care profoundly about what he feels, say; clinging onto each word he had spoken or didn’t speak.

I care. That’s the thing, I miss him and I still care. How disgusting.

Need someone to make me feel better. Who? Best friend? Family? Random friends? No one fits the title now. I am in no mood to speak to anyone, nothing can make me feel better, not even a tub of delicious creamy and rich Royce chocolate imported from Japan. I want him, and I hate him, I don’t want to see him nor talk to him, at least not now, I have too much wrath in me. Dear god how I crave for his voice, his presence, his embrace.

Suddenly I understand the meaning of the song “Hate that I love you” by Rihanna. The only person that can make me feel better, the one person in the entire world that can lift me spirit, take away the tightness on my chest, and make me feel warm and fussy; is the same person that made me so angry, so full of hatred, so I-want-to-strangle-and-kill kind of feeling.

Midnight arrives, phone rings. I look over, his name appears on the screen. Hatred fills me up, and I ignore it.

It rings once.

Twice.

Third time.

I won’t pick up.


Fourth time.

Maybe.. just maybe. No! I will probably scream at him.


Fifth...

Soften… I hold up the phone, but look blankly at the screen, at the caller, at his name. And wait.

It stops. A sense of relief rushes over me.

And then it stops for good. I look at the now silent phone, for a while I am reluctant to set it down. And I wait.

Nothing.


Two hours have gone. Phone rings.
I pick up.

“Dear..”

All the negativities, the hatred, the fury, the I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-anymore, the confusion, the annoyance, everything that made me so irritated and uncomfortable the whole night sweeps off my chest, out of my body and out the window.

One word. That's all I need.

47 comments:

  1. It is another bad day that happens, once in the blue moon, in a day in one's life huh! The cure...looking back at the good times together. That might soften your hard approach, I suppose.

    Anyway, I'm Kenny from Penang. Still fresh as a blogger. Develop this interest (blogging) as a form of expression and now it seems more like a passion. Well, still finding my footing in this blogging world. Blogging is pretty interesting as I see it.

    To me, you are quite inspirational...so many ideas to share. Hopefully we can share a thing or two in blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What love can do to a person... Its a blessing and a curse at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. unforgettable night =>

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did you write this about me?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Boss, you should eat more xiao loong bao.

    ReplyDelete
  6. butchie, no, she was talking about me

    Hahahahahahahahahha

    ReplyDelete
  7. My chest tightens, the rib cage contorts and squeezes out my last breath. Like being woken up by a bad dream,my eyes shoot open, finding myself clasped in a fetus position. A pillow is held tight beneath me, half a blanket stretched around my waist sprawls out across the floor.

    Anger still rings inside me, followed by sadness, disappointment.

    Please get someone to check your grammar...

    ReplyDelete
  8. she's sharing her thoughts and feelings here.. if u wana check for blogger's grammar plz do it somewhere else.. and u are an English teacher i perhaps.. and hell yeah.. glad dat u pick up da call in da end.. lol.. love is so overexaggerating at times but it still holds da magic to make u smile no matter how empty u are.. =)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Are mostly womens like that? I mean, yeah... this happens but... Why? This happened to me yesterday and I m wondering why didn't I pick up his calls earlier and had myself suffocated for the next few hours feeling empty and all the sorrow that couldn't be explained, and all that ended by just answering his call and listened to the voice that I craved for... Hmmmm complicated...no?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thought you broke up long time ago and is single now. Am I mistaken?

    ReplyDelete
  11. i can sooooooooooo understand everything you felt that evening. haihs.

    ReplyDelete
  12. fuyohhh...luckily he called back two hours later hehe...hope you're feeling better now =D

    take good care nicole

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow..that's exactly how I feel each time I argue with someone I care..the love-hate thinggy. But what I can't stand the most is the silent treatments of phone call waitings.

    All the best to you Nicole :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. thats how most gals feel after i anal them!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. why are u wasting your time and worry of such useless thing? You should worry whether u are chosen as sept oracle or not in www.winbursa.blogspot.com for your information Carmen soo is winning over you big time, this is more important that you should be wrroing about.

    ReplyDelete
  16. it's just a phase. soon it will past and no more worries. concentrate on your articles and other things. surely there are other things that can cheer you up!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. keanaik, how wrong you are!
    yes, it's her personal blog but she's also now in the limelight as a feature writer in the Star, hence more eyeballs on her blog.

    Nic, it is not to shame you but a plea to get your writing skills to par and maybe a better future for you. It's done out of concern and love.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nicely written Nicole. You have always manage to reach yr readers through yr writing.

    I completely understand what you have gone through :) Brighter days will come Nicole.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  19. since when a blog is for ppl to judge. It's another type of personal diary for goodness sake. Stop trying to correct ppl's grammar when u are wasting time checking on her blog. Be respectful.


    ps nicole : you can always msg me to talk :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. love and the strange things it makes us go thru. enough said

    ReplyDelete
  21. girls, girls, girls...

    sometimes people think that it is difficult to understand and know what the girl wants but actually it is very simple...love

    ReplyDelete
  22. Old Fellow17/6/08 1:54 AM

    Please respect privacy or intimacy. Probably he is running scared of the whole planet knowing too much detail about you before he does.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow, i love it when you write something like that, so full of emotions and feelings... what a way to put things... nice~

    ReplyDelete
  24. are you crazy ???

    ReplyDelete
  25. I felt for u and this is exactly wat i'm going thru myself....sigh...love, don't u think it is so difficult? i was worried for u for a while..luckily he called back...mine didnt :'(

    ReplyDelete
  26. Zot Foq Pik17/6/08 10:12 AM

    Girls don't know what they want. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Love sometimes makes you weak..
    Love sometimes makes you hate..

    A normal cycle of being in love. Just try to be strong. He loves you anyway =D

    ReplyDelete
  28. Be strong and move on!

    ReplyDelete
  29. kennysia? nicole's bf?

    ReplyDelete
  30. "girls, girls, girls...

    sometimes people think that it is difficult to understand and know what the girl wants but actually it is very simple...love"

    U stupid romantic!!! of course it's not love!!! it's just good plain old sex!!! A good screw with a lil moaning and screaming will clear their heads!!! Bottom line is, learn to please women sexually and they will always treat u better!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. i'm a girl and yeah hell i love it when my bf tit-fucks me.. ohyeah!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hi Nicole,
    i am totally agree with you, it's the way i am feeling right now too...i try to hate him but the more i tried the more i love him...i just can't help myself.help me please....

    ReplyDelete
  33. its very common for typical malaysian. When u go for apperance this feeling always overcome you.

    if you need sex or love call me @

    Jolene contact no. 012 6134395

    ReplyDelete
  34. jolene, anyone called u?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Wow that was intense. Great prose & depth of feeling. Didn't expect that. Don't worry Nicole, just when it gets worse it gets better. Cheer Up!

    ReplyDelete
  36. very good. I feel the raw emotions, but ironic and quite ambivalent as they were tearing each other apart as they were closing in on each other.

    Very interesting, remarkable and intense. To the anonymous who loves to check others grammar, he probably spent one hour to check on his own comment before he posted.

    Cheers Nic!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Nicolekiss............what can i say? when one person if both the source of all your joy and all your sorrow, you're in some very difficult episodes.
    telling from my own experience.

    stay strong...stay hopeful..that someday, the guy that will sweep you away in blissful happiness will come.

    ReplyDelete
  38. It happens to me before. When you love someone, your emomotional pain is doubled when that someone said something or do something to hurt you.

    Sometimes I will swear to myself not to forgive him but I will always give in in the end. I think that is what makes a relationship interesting. 95% love and 5% hatred.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hi Nic,

    I feel as though you wrote this post for me. At least for a week ago (I feel better now). My guy didn't 'call back' and I've got a feeling this silent treatment is for good (and YES, ALL girls HATE silent treatments!).

    Think about it abit though. You wouldn't want that day to ever arrive when he's decided never to call you again.

    I know how you feel (more than you suspect I do) because I've been through EXACTLY the same thing (trust me).

    Trying to make a guy say something you want to hear is not worth losing him in the end (or is it?). Always remember, if he really wanted to, he would've. You wouldn't and shouldn't need to make him.

    The next time you feel a tantrum coming, think about whether you're prepared to lose him for good. It can happen anytime, any day. Guys are unpredictable.

    Sometimes, we don't get second chances.

    All the best now and play nice!

    ReplyDelete
  40. One more thing. Isn't it funny how the whole world can say EVERYTHING and it wouldn't make you feel better but just a word from that someone would immediately take all the horrible feeling away?

    Silent treatment feels like crap but a simple 'hi' from him and it all goes away.

    That's why I say: Love is an electric blanket with someone else in control of the switch.

    ReplyDelete
  41. dear judess,
    Your guy is a loser and the perfect cure to deal with assholes like that is to go out and fuck someone. Not only will you be doing a public service, you will actually feel much better.
    No point crying "woo hoo hoo he didnt call me..." just go out and fuck someones brains out and get a little of wet flow going for urself. Kapish?

    ReplyDelete
  42. been through there...knows that kind of feelings..dun worry every will be ok soon:) good luck!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Gods, Nicole... you have the luxury of living like a rich datin and yet you're crying over some guy? o.O who the fark is he, anyway? i tot ur single. anyway, love is blind.... no matter how bad a guy treat us, and how pissed wif us... sometimes one word is enough to bring comfort.

    http://cleffairy.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  44. OMG. lousy grammar >_>

    ReplyDelete
  45. Dear Anonymous,

    Maybe screwing random people is your solution to every problem but I don't see how devaluing yourself helps make you feel better. That also surely can't make the guy want you more. In fact, he'd probably thank his lucky stars for trashing your nasty ass.

    PS: Funny how you singled me out when many others before me mentioned that they had been through such situations.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I know how you feel.. If only we, girls, would be stronger lol.. why do we care so much? staying with someone that we love so much, or want to be with someone we love so much, but at the same time, hurts us so bad.. no one understands the heart..

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dear, I promise I will never break your heart again. I know you're aware of the stupid affairs, but please believe me one more time, I will go back home after the fun. Miss you dear.

    ReplyDelete