The truth about me

“How were you like in high school?”, “I bet you must be a school-flower back then.” These are the normal ask and self answer question people throw at me every now and then, thinking they’re paying compliments to me.

To which I snorted: “Yea… right… “

Many would not know, and many would not believe, and I never take the effort to tell or explain to people how my life was. There are people who said I am secretive. But I disregard those comments, believing that people’s view about me isn’t important.

So here I am, in my blog, in my little space, with no whatsoever intention to try to explain myself to the world; I find myself talking about my life like I have never before, to probably plenty of anonymous out there that don’t know me and like-wise. My journey begins here…

I grew up a depressed child.

In high school and in elementary school. I don’t think I can recall any happy moments during the age of 7 – mid 17. It’s like a dark age for me, a period that I have hypnotized myself into forgetting.

I remember being a happy baby with loving family, I remember going to kindergarten and having lots of friends. Everything went blank after that, with only scraps of images and a blooded self-image back then I can only dream to erase now. It’s a scar, a deep cut in my heart that… occasionally during depress times, it emerges and reminds me that it is still there.

I was this fat (well, I wouldn’t call it fat, maybe a slight chub, or bit plum-ish, but never fat now that I look back) and ugly, unattractive, tall-ish freak in class. To top things off, I was a quiet, shy, inward, anti-social kid at school. No teacher liked me, no classmates wanna hang out with me, I had no friends and I always hid myself in one dark corner in class.

Being an 11 year-old Standard 5 student, I already had the freakish height of 164cm. Which didn’t help on my ego when other fellow classmates started calling the monster or the dinosaur as early as Standard 2 due to my size, in fact, I weighed normally for my height back then, not skinny, just appear to be large size compare with the rest of the students.

I was always the last in line, always the stand out in class (in a bad way), never a teacher’s favorite (probably one of the least fav?), a bully target of boys in class and laughing stock of the popular girls. It’s as pathetic as you can imagine, just like those exaggerated high school life portrayed in Hollywood movies and Japanese drama.

There was this once, when I was 9, my doting mom wanted to throw me a birthday party and asked me to invite all my classmates. With her knowing I have no friends and hope that this party would allow me to get a chance to be accepted by my classmates, or how you would call it? Blend in? I was overjoyed!! Never in my life someone remembers my birthday (other than my parents, but they too forgot sometimes), nor have I ever receive a birthday present. I was thrilled! Exhilarated! Ecstatic! I told every single classmate of mine few months in advance and was so desperate to have all of them come, especially the popular groups.

Then one day few weeks before the party, something happen. It was the competition of the annual class cleanliness, and my class came in first. We were announced winner during assembly and the whole class won a box of erasers. I know it’s stupid, but back then, that eraser in my hand was the most precious thing ever. There’s this boy-bully of the class was playing with his prized eraser, and all of a sudden, it bounced off and disappeared.

Feeling upset, he cried (kids… *roll eyes*); his twin sister, one of the popular girls and also the BFF of the most popular girl in class, came over and confronted me (and even though she knew it wasn’t my fault), deliberately blamed me for stealing his eraser. When I denied and refused to submit my possession, she sent a threat to me. These were the words that haunts me to this day: “If you don’t give him the eraser, I will ask EVERYONE not to go to your party!”, stressing the word ‘everyone’.

It was a day I learned about power, and the day I lost my eraser.

Then my memory brings me to high school. With hope in mind that I could finally blend in, make some friends, and probably change the whole world. Boy, was I wrong…

Everything remained and I was still a fat (I think I lost a hell lot weight back then, but the self image persist), ugly and tall-ist freak in class (boys back then are still very short, they didn’t grow till the last year of high school). I was already at my current height 170cm (yes I haven’t grown an inch since then, I’m a shorty, laugh all you want) and dreaded it. I hated my height, ashamed of my body, annoyed by my inward attitude, basically, I hated everything about me. If anyone understands the meaning of ‘low self-esteem’, it was me.

The only thing that changed for the better, was that my performance in grades moved from last few in class, to top ten in school. Great! Now I’m a NERD. And then I was the unpopular geeky nerd for the rest of my high school years.

I remember the happiest moment of my life, was when I graduated. October 2001, the day I laughed, for the first time, so profoundly everyone thought I was crazy. Everyone else was crying, exchanging notebooks to sign, throwing hugs at each other, taking photos like there’s no tomorrow. I was so happy, I was dance-skipping everywhere I go, didn’t even look back when my mom arrived to pick me up at school.


Yup yup, then came the miracles of puberty and I blossomed in my late 17 to early 18, just when I entered college. It even came to me as a shock when I was first approached by guys who showed interest in me. At first I thought they were pulling my legs, trying to pull pranks on me. Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize what was happening but imagine the astonishment I had when I was crowned Prom Queen a year later in 2003. I am still dumbfounded by that incident.

Ahh… college life… The golden years of my life. I was given total freedom for the first time, and had many firsts~

- The first time I stayed out pass 5pm.
- The first time I went to a movie with friends
- The first time I went to A movie
- The first time I “yum cha” (night tea) at mamak
- The first time I know what is a “Mamak”
- Then there is the first time I drive
- First time to drink my first liquor
- First time entering a pub (in Bangsar, *clubbing*)
- First time being court
- First time prom queen
- ** dye hair
- ** wear high heels
- ** wear mini skirt
- ** shopping
- ** make-up
- ** uses skin care products
- ** dating
- ** holiday with friends
- ** bowling

I can go on and on and on….. Many silly and funny first times but I wouldn’t wanna bore you…. :D


One time, somewhere in my 20, back from England and working in KL, I chatted with this guy online who turned out to be really rude, and his words were just… precious….

Jerk: People like you will never understand how ugly people feel.
Me: ….. that’s not true
Jerk: is it not? You people are born with a pretty face, you will never understand how if feels like to be ugly.
Me: …… (is that a compliment or an insult?)
Jerk: You think that everyone favors you and you can get whatever you want, you are nothing but a snobbish person and only think of yourself, don’t care how others feel
Jerk: You use people to get what you want, you are a selfish snob! I hate people like you. You think you are so good and everyone has to like you and do things your way

He went on ranting for another 10 minutes, cursing the oblivious me. And the best part, I don’t even know him. Turned out, he was used and dumped by a china girl before and therefore I was unlucky enough to be targeted by him online (as he thought I was pretty). I assume she (china girl) was pretty and was wondering if I should be angry or laugh at what this guy is saying to me.

If you hate pretty girls so much, then why do you go and date one in the first place. Doesn’t that make you shallow as well? Jerk.

(Somemore add me and chat with me) Double Jerk. >p


And just a few days ago, I decided to spill my feelings to someone, I know it sounded pitiful, but my ‘scar’ was hurting and I thought maybe I can share how I think. These were my exact quotes:

Me: i always dream of throwing a big birthday bash for myself.. but.. haha.. nth... i am no celebrity. no one would attend...
Me: so every year... i prefer to celeb it alone.. to forget how little friends i have..
Me: by hiding away... gave me an excuse to not feel lonely... by not telling any friend, gave my friends excuse to not remember my birthday

Somehow… he got offended, or upset.. or something… instead of saying “Don’t worry, I’ll celebrate it with you.” Or at least, don’t say anything at all and let me sulk. -.-;;

Sigh~~~ Pretty Ugly Me~~~ What shall I do with you?


49 kissed Nicole

  1. wow... thanks for sharing your experience. must be an emotional post.

    Yeah I have similar experience like you before, I understand what you have gone through (althought I am not a girl)

    anyways life is in NOW and we still have room for improvement, more fun stuff to experience.

    bad experience is sometimes needed, to make life a blend of good and bad (yin and yang) but I believe you can max the good and min the bad.

    Jerks :(
    true love is hard to find and nice guys (and girlz) are not very common.


    anyways, you look good ^_^

  2. Good for you.

    Often the most successful people are the ones that have to spend the most effort to become successful, whether that success is in friendships, or work or school.

    Because of what you have went through, it will make you that much stronger of a person.

  3. Third time quoting Robert Frost in a comment box:

    "In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

    Life goes on, Nicole. We just don't stop growing from experiences, be it good or bad.

  4. From your life story, it is just like 'the ugly duckling'. But now, look at you! Nice, gorgeous and (fill with suitable words). U are more or less like already entering the 'happily ever after' moment. Things sure will be alright someday... Good day for you!!

  5. 1st time leaving a comment, cuz i find this story "amusing". Look at yourself now!(pardon me if took a look at you for too long myself ;)

    Try not forget your past cuz it has molded you into who you are today.Although it´s one of those enlightenment we-rather-not-hv-in-life, they let us c the world in another light, and be more sensitive towards those who share the same fate.

    Unfortunately the world still hasn´t changed has it? You are where you are now cuz of who you became (partially at least), physically. The gal, that any guys would stare at twice.

    Thx for sharing the story, and glad that you are looking FINE now =P

  6. It took a lot of courage to face our deep dark demon and share our darkest moments with others. You did it and good for you!
    All these experiences make you into who you are today, and stronger.
    Thanks for sharing with us.

  7. AWESOME post :)... realli. Lots of emotions as these were the truth. You did draw up some my sad 'before' too; the past which I had never shared with my current frens. Toking 'bout that, in fact all my current frens are college frens. Guess wat, I had close to zero frens from primary to sec. Just to share with u here since u had brought it up... I was such a shy guy before, didn't know how to socialise... had some frens... in pri but they did not 'fren' me for some reason. And yes... I had always dreamt to throw a huge birthday party at Mc Donald, but it did not happen. Zero contact with anyone in pri. sch apparently.
    Secondary... was just as bad... had lots of frens in sec one... and again I lose them all for some ‘sick’ stupid reason. Always wanted to hang out with those cool ppl., walk in group, had someone to eat with in the canteen, stay back in sch to hang out, play football and basketball. NO it didn’t happen neither :/. Tried very hard to fit in, tried to talk ‘bout the so-call 'cool' topic but it just ain't comin’ out; so there I was….. being always quiet. Haha... in a way... ppl called me cool... but to me I am just being quiet, cos i dunnoe wat to talk ‘bout.
    Being alone most of the time... I would think a lot; would even talk to myself. Even had this huge crush with this girl... but never even dare to confront to her. Complete failure for tt…. keke. Arron kwok was my favorite idol… ‘wo xiang tou tou dui ni shuo wo ai ni’ was my fav song as it sings the feelings in me. Would only secretly admire ‘her’ from afar and when she look at my direction I would turn my face down. Wat a shame.
    Talking ‘bout height... damn…. I stop grow when i was sec 2, while my frens kept goin. Man ... now i'm a shortie… not to mention that the pimples kept popping out. Did tons of jumpin’ and basketball...but just ain't helping at all. There I stopped at 166 for a guy *felt miserable*. Had always told my mum tt I would go for a leg extension after watchin the movie 'Calcutta' I think. Man… I felt so inferior. Was even bullied by an 'ah beng' sometime around there... which made me felt like a loser.
    Manage to make some frens somehow… later; my first time to clubbing and hang out at coffee bean. Not long from then, its graduation time... had to return Malaysia for good.
    Starts from zero again :/. Had kept contact with only 'remy', and tts all.
    College was pretty much the same till I transfer to the States, tt very moment I told myself I must be different when I get back. And finally yes… I had a ‘flip’. In States, I pick up drinking. With the taste of ‘alcohol’, my sense of humor grew. I talked a lot… though it’s basically talk crap. And suddenly everyone became my frens. Being an alcoholic… I am pretty not quite sober since then. That was the first time I had the taste of love. And finally ain’t a virgin too… keke. First time throwin’ a huge birthday party in my life; tt was 22yrs later. First time, walking around college saying ‘hi’, ‘watsup’ , ‘yo man’ to frens. First time ppl called me the ‘party-guy’. First time, having phone calls aside from my mum; getting msgs from msn. So this is me… today, from an introvert to an extrovert. Height does not bother me tt much today; aswhen ppl said tt my younger bro. looked like the elder one (since he’s 174), I would just joke and reply ‘me ain’t hit my puberty yet’ with a grin. I cherish friendship as much as I u, my fren . So cheers, let’s play hard and live life to the max ;)

    Opps seems like a blog entry than a comment :D… sorrie :D

  8. Life is beautiful despite some scars.
    Its in the hand of the person to make it better or worse.

    Good luck in your studies.
    Remember 'life isnt that bad'
    "Hayat Guzeldir"

  9. hey Nicole...1st time entering ur blog...

    I had the same experience as you b4...well..almost...imagine...i was i think 150cm with 88kg i think...overweight...and i was treated like a freak ET who sucked up all the food from India..XD
    It was a scar...put me in low self-esteem for quite some time...
    Then college came and i decided to face my fears and change...
    Now, I'll juz look back at the past and laugh..XD...its really is yet another precious lesson i've learnt in my life...

    and for your bday'll come 1 day...atleast even an anonymous guy like me after reading this post wudn't mind going...

  10. Hi Nicole,

    Go ahead throw your birthday party this year.

    I am willing to fly over to attend! (*seriious!*

  11. wow I'm really impressed with your bravery dealing with the things in your past. look at you now.. georgous and confident.. and your height that u dislike before is now become one of ur charms.. i wish i can be 170 like u too *shorty me* ppl who laughed at u back then can go cry to their mom now.. :P

  12. Happy Birthday Nicole!

  13. Touching entry. I totally understand how it feels being less than attractive (of coz...that was the old you..look at you now!!)....
    But one thing i have to admit is that, my looks never bothered me, ever. For as long as i could remember, i was always the popular one. But i was never ever a bully. In fact, i was always the helpful and caring one. Maybe thats why my popularity grew by the day.

    A blessing in disguise, maybe it is most unfortunate that you had to bear with it (being bullied and sidelined) during your childhood years.....but...who knows, in the near future, when you become somebody with the power and influence to affect shall heal many broken hearts and broken homes......becoz you understood....

  14. I am sadden by this post. I can understand how it feels but you are now what you are because of your past. Leave it behind and enjoy your moment now.... They were all so wrong about you. Schools are always like that. Everyone wanted to be that famous idiot in class.

    And, throw the birthday party.. I'll go over, no kidding....!!!

  15. Ya ya...go ahead and throw the party....i wan to join as well...keke....i have half similar experience during my secondary school years as well....

  16. well, im so damn lucky.

  17. I admire your courage to post this. As for myself, I have keep such stuff tightly locked in a password proteced blog.

    And I can't believe that u r doing your master's now, and i'm only doing my bachelor's. I'm 22 oso. haha, guess its because of national service (Singapore) la.

  18. really like a classic holywood high school movie, may b u should send the script to them!!!

    arr...upstair...i'm 24 after chinese new year, still studying my bachelor...waaa....i dun wan arr...

    p/s: i'm nicole highschool classmate...i didnt did anything bad to nicole...dun scold me..

  19. Hey there, somehow found your blog while surfing net ~ btw, I enjoy reading your entry!
    Interesting part about real life!
    And it's a good change, I must I admit that!

  20. Hmm... as much as you I want to feel for you, I think this could be a typical i-turned-from-a-crow-to-a-pheonix story. Not a bad thing actually, good for you... really...

    if you were to throw a birthday bash, i am sure many would attend, and i am sure you are aware of that fact too. and i am damn sure you feel damn good when comments come flooding in that they will attend your bash right?

    interesting childhood you have, really, it is. and no matter how terrible it has been, would you trade that off for something different? you're who you are today becos of that childhood, having a different one may turn u into your current nicole-kiss-cum-mtv-star-albeit-self-produced person. it would be a shame if otherwise...

    anyway, what's BFF?

  21. Why don't we all chip in for the Nicole's Party Fund....and have the party organised soon?

  22. wah. cool. Emo to the max! peace and love peave and love.dats all we need.yes true.

  23. hi nicole,i'm regular reader of ur blog n its my first time leaving comment.just want to say i enjoy reading ur blog n keep on ur hardwork.i foresee another xiaxue from malaysia.

  24. been there.i know how it felt. not just as simple as the "ugly duckling" story. it felt more like ur a social outkast in the class perhaps school. everyone tends to see you invisible or probably ignore your mere existence. you can never join into any of their conversation. it hurts. bad. the more you try to fit in the circle, the more you felt like your not being urself. its like your in a movie, acting wholly different level of character thats not even you. im just like the other mortals, somehow thy just cant accept the way i am.

    im fat. still is. but i dont think thats an issue to get friends. i dont blieve in changing myself inorder for others to see my differently but i hate being lonely. reality.

    i nvr choose who to be my friends. and never will.

  25. ppl say the most hurtful things anyways, juz ignore them.

    they alw think that better looking ppl have more going for them. they forget that by assuming things wld be easier for attractive ppl, it can made harder too juz so. there're other things needed to be overcome from those assumptions. like, how good looking ppl are not as smart and so on.

    let them assume whatever they want. less stress for urself

  26. Friends who stick by you when you are ugly, low, sick, depressed, lonely and blue..are your true friends.

    Can I be our friend, Nicole?

  27. i used to be ugly and unpopular in high school. I know how u feel. Being 172cm when I'm form 1 doesn't help either, most boys are shorter than me at that time. And boy wasn't I bullied! I was living in shame most of the time until I left Malaysia to Australia. Never been happier. Now everytime I come back it's like a revenge as I try to improve my looks.

    oh enough about myself, at least u look fabulous now and now everyone would be regretting not being ur friends before.

    btw excellent entry!

  28. I can understand wat you are going thru.

    Being a 1.70m tall 11 year old and my manhood showing earlier than most of my peers, you can see the ridicule in my peers' eyes when we go for our swimming lessons.

    At least u r living a colorful life right now.

    That phase of my childhood has clouded my life till now

  29. i got worse pri sch life, but a better sec sch life.. so, cant say i understand ur sec sch life.. =D but, it's all the same..

  30. This is a good post. It's relatable and honest.

    As someone who has similar problems with self-image, I understand how you feel.

  31. I will fly all the way fr Kuching just to attend yr Bday.

  32. When's your birthday? Haha.. just wondering, cos I'm a Pisces as well, turning 23 soon too. =)

  33. Hi nic~
    I have almost same experience with you when I was young, passive and quiet, wish to hide all the time. But now I am okay too.. =)
    But at least you got a real pretty set of teeth!

  34. I'm the same. I was such a giant in my childhood days. Even teacher calls me giant. I got the hieght of 162 when i'm primary 5 and now got a height of 174. Still, it is not good to be so tall as nowdays girl who are shorter are better.

  35. lol i have almost the same exp as u!! the fat thing, the tall thing.

    well except the beautiful swan thing in the end lar. but at least, maybe more acceptable body image i guess.

    anw what i felt about the whole thing was.. im glad i wasnt a beautiful swan from the start.

    otherwise i mite be the bitch that the jerk in ur post was talkin abt..thinking pretty is everything.blabla

    and i think u shld be glad too! dat now ur not onli pretty but nice =)

  36. GASP!

    I never knew that there were so many people who were gg/went through the same thing as me!


    omg. Tell me how to get out of the fat and tall and ugly phase can? Cos i'm nearing 20 and i'm still the same leh.

    Saded. =p

  37. wow. This is my first time here. Yet, I feel so obliged to comment =)

    It must have took alot of guts to post something like this. I respect your courage in dealing with the past.

    This shows that life is fair sometimes and that, when things turn out so bad that you think that it'll never get any worse, things might just suddenly turn the other way round.

    Go girl!
    you are an inspiration!

  38.'ve turned out well indeed dear girl.
    This is the first time I read your blog. I was pretty blown away. It takes lots of guts to go through that hell of a time. Mine wasn't a bed of roses too....rather...a bed almost full of thorns too. I was plump and a geek with big pink spectacles.

  39. hi nicole....i digged out your old blog and i had to admit i teared while reading it. Especially the birthday party part. That's is 100%exactly how i feel. That's y i am coming to 26 but never had a birthday bash before. Kudos for you being such a beautiful angel now. I am still in denial and negative about myself but working my way to a better, positive me. I guess it will be a long journey. Just wondering can I join your birthday party when i reach my milestone? just a silly request but really important to me.

    Wish you all the best, now and forever.

  40. delay my last...i feel freaky after i post the comment about wanne join your birthday party. Sounds so pervert n cyber stalker...i guess i just so touched at that moment i read it and post comment without thinking twice. I am harmless *Peace ^_^

  41. Meh. A guy who sends that kind of IM clearly doesn't feel he's pretty enough. Me, I find it hard to find prettier :D

  42. hey nicole,i didnt know u were that unpopular in class hehe....actually i was unpopular as well.I know what u mean, i was the same. ugly, geeky and fat ahaha....i remember we used to spend recess time together and u used to share with me chicken sausages from A1 haha and it became my fav(i used to bug mum to buy me coz i told her u like them).....i didnt know u had no friends, i thought we used to talk during recess together with chin siean etc hehe. I still remember ur birthday bash and i remember ur mum pickin me up and took me and pei wah to ur house and i saw ur cat as well, which was tied to a drawer haha. Yeah i know what u mean by popular girls. I dont like them as well....i mean they can be nice but mean and i hate those guys who are big bullies in our class. I used to suffer from depression as well and i was shy and introverted like u say u were. We were in the same boat being the unpopular ones. It didnt bother me that much till i went to high school. I was still fat and geeky and stuff. Till i was 15, contact lenses changed my life haha and netball team....i exercised alot and went home tired all the time, everyday and went straight to bed without dinner(not deliberately though) and slimmed down alot......and thats where i started from.Well think again,we have the last laugh hehe.....but still those primary school memories was one of my fondest, after my childhood

  43. well, first time reading your blog. pretty interesting.

    well, i guess its bitter first sweetness later?

    but the pass also makes/mould a person to who/what she/he is now.

    hmm... im glad you remain positive and got through to your next phase of your life.

    :) will hop by again.
    till then cheers!

    takecare and drink more plain water.


  44. After reading this post, I've come to understand why you are the way you are. It's not that you chose to be like this. Hardship and bitter experiences in life creates distrust and fear of disappointments I am all too familiar with. I love to read inspiring 'ugly duckling stories' cuz I was an ugly duckling myself.

    I met you at a gathering approx 2 years ago. My first impression of you was that you were cold and anti-social. My mates tried all they could to make you feel welcomed. They were stumped. Being one who couldn't keep emotions to myself, I said some pretty nasty things to you. I've been wanting to apologize but never had the chance. I am sorry.

    I find your blog a good read. Keep up the good work!

  45. whao... u r really tall lady at 170cm...

    i know how u feel coz i'm 175cm when i was 12 years old... but then i'm a human with batang so maybe u r really the special ones...

    sorry for ur bad past life but everyone does goes tru all that stuff... it's part of life...

    i also had mine...

    ignore the jerks, continue to enjoy life ;)

  46. There are more good life to come...

    live life to the fullest.

  47. It's really hard to imagine that kind of childhood for such a pretty face.

    But I can almost relate to your primary sch days. Always threatened by the most popular girl and treated like a maid more than a friend. And I was the tallest and darkest girl in class. =\

    But like what everyone's said, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

    You're a survivor. ;D

  48. "the past has not future, today does"

    Brian Siegel

  49. Hi Nicole,

    It's me .. Corina Law. It's really sad to read your blog but I can relate very well. Life is never easy but we have to move on. Look at your achievements today and the radiant beauty you have, God is there with you. It's hard when you've been alone most of the time because I know that dreadful feeling can really 'kill' you inside out.

    Listen to this song 'Don't lose heart' by Dan Fogelberg. I always listen to it to give myself a little 'boost'. Keep going strong and one day you will find your dream! God bless you and keep you safe and happy always!