The day I have been dreaming for the past 10 years finally came to realize. I couldn’t be more grateful.
The surgery didn’t go as bad as I thought as it would be, in fact it was pretty painless, not a slight discomfort (except for the part whereby you know the doctor is slicing up your eyes). Instead, the waiting part is more excruciating than anything else.
Scheduled at 2pm that Saturday afternoon, I received a call at 1pm that my surgery will be delayed half an hour, which I translated to “I am not sure how long it will be delayed, but you have to wait really long”
Vista counter
My lasik surgery was done under the infamous Vista, though the price can come at quite a pain in the a@#, I have to say they sure have lots of ways to make you feel comfortable throughout the whole procedure. Vista takes up half a floor of the shopping complex The Curve on the second floor housing staff of over 30 people (too many I say), with equipments enough to make you think you’re in NASA.
I did a very stupid thing though, which I highly recommend that none of you out there who ever had the idea to do lasik surgery in the next 10 years to watch this video below. Like I did, and regretted it.
Told you not to watch it.
Let me explain anyway. First, they will put anesthetic drops into my eyes to numb them, then apply suctions to my eye, which is said to fix the eyes and ease the surgery. You see the blood around the eyes? Yup, due to suctions.
Then, they would allow me to rest for 15 minutes to let the anesthetic take full effect. Following that, I would be put to the laser bed to have my cornea sliced open by laser to create a corneal flap, which the doctor would use a flipper to flip it open, thus revealing the inner cornea for the laser to do surface correction. Flip the flap back and done!
So what happened, and I am shy to admit, the moment that the doctor asked me to lie down on the bed to put suctions into my eyes, I was trembling so much he had to force feed me what he called “the happy pill” (I think it was a tranquilizing pill) to calm me down. It didn’t have much effect. I was still shivering, so they gave me ‘Mr Penguin’ to hug – an ugly green cute little penguin doll. Haha, I was hugging Mr Penguin throughout the entire procedure.
My friendly and lovely surgeon
Like expected, I smelt my eye balls burning when the laser hit my eyes. Now that I think back, I was pretty much in a daze after my happy pill, it’s as though I was looking at the flap cutting and the rest of the operation in a third person view; which was pretty cool, and I will repeat, the surgery was painless.
The next day I went back for check up, had a bit of blood clot in both my eyes, which Mr Choong reminded that it was perfectly normal and alright to have them. (He claimed the reason I had those was due to my non-stop shivering when applying suctions to my eyes -.-;;)
I was quite shocked when many responded to my previous entry, and to think I was worried that people around are going to get so pissed and bored reading something so distressing, not to mention, BO~~RRING~~
I was even expecting a few hate mails, but I didn’t care and went with it anyway. Afterall, this is my blog and if one can’t talk about her life here, what should she talk about then?
But to my surprise, and am I so very surprised, no hate mails came but rather, I discovered that quite a few 'brudders* & *sista* out there shared the same experience as me. It made me feel that I wasn’t alone and oddly enough, soothing to the heart. It even meant more when some of you started sharing your pasts with me and the rest of the readers in the comments.
I am so touched!! *sniff* *sniff* *hugs everyone!*
And about the birthday bash suggestion and attendance, I’m really really really really really really... (multiply by N times + 1)…. Happy!! *tearing* This (blog response) is already the best birthday gifts I can receive, though my birthday is coming up real soon for any preparation. (hint: first day in the month of Pisces)
But right now, right here… I have news… want to know? Click on the video and bear with my screeching before getting to the news part. For those of you who have already watched it in youtube.. shhh…
“How were you like in high school?”, “I bet you must be a school-flower back then.” These are the normal ask and self answer question people throw at me every now and then, thinking they’re paying compliments to me.
To which I snorted: “Yea… right… “
Many would not know, and many would not believe, and I never take the effort to tell or explain to people how my life was. There are people who said I am secretive. But I disregard those comments, believing that people’s view about me isn’t important.
So here I am, in my blog, in my little space, with no whatsoever intention to try to explain myself to the world; I find myself talking about my life like I have never before, to probably plenty of anonymous out there that don’t know me and like-wise. My journey begins here…
I grew up a depressed child.
In high school and in elementary school. I don’t think I can recall any happy moments during the age of 7 – mid 17. It’s like a dark age for me, a period that I have hypnotized myself into forgetting.
I remember being a happy baby with loving family, I remember going to kindergarten and having lots of friends. Everything went blank after that, with only scraps of images and a blooded self-image back then I can only dream to erase now. It’s a scar, a deep cut in my heart that… occasionally during depress times, it emerges and reminds me that it is still there.
I was this fat (well, I wouldn’t call it fat, maybe a slight chub, or bit plum-ish, but never fat now that I look back) and ugly, unattractive, tall-ish freak in class. To top things off, I was a quiet, shy, inward, anti-social kid at school. No teacher liked me, no classmates wanna hang out with me, I had no friends and I always hid myself in one dark corner in class.
Being an 11 year-old Standard 5 student, I already had the freakish height of 164cm. Which didn’t help on my ego when other fellow classmates started calling the monster or the dinosaur as early as Standard 2 due to my size, in fact, I weighed normally for my height back then, not skinny, just appear to be large size compare with the rest of the students.
I was always the last in line, always the stand out in class (in a bad way), never a teacher’s favorite (probably one of the least fav?), a bully target of boys in class and laughing stock of the popular girls. It’s as pathetic as you can imagine, just like those exaggerated high school life portrayed in Hollywood movies and Japanese drama.
There was this once, when I was 9, my doting mom wanted to throw me a birthday party and asked me to invite all my classmates. With her knowing I have no friends and hope that this party would allow me to get a chance to be accepted by my classmates, or how you would call it? Blend in? I was overjoyed!! Never in my life someone remembers my birthday (other than my parents, but they too forgot sometimes), nor have I ever receive a birthday present. I was thrilled! Exhilarated! Ecstatic! I told every single classmate of mine few months in advance and was so desperate to have all of them come, especially the popular groups.
Then one day few weeks before the party, something happen. It was the competition of the annual class cleanliness, and my class came in first. We were announced winner during assembly and the whole class won a box of erasers. I know it’s stupid, but back then, that eraser in my hand was the most precious thing ever. There’s this boy-bully of the class was playing with his prized eraser, and all of a sudden, it bounced off and disappeared.
Feeling upset, he cried (kids… *roll eyes*); his twin sister, one of the popular girls and also the BFF of the most popular girl in class, came over and confronted me (and even though she knew it wasn’t my fault), deliberately blamed me for stealing his eraser. When I denied and refused to submit my possession, she sent a threat to me. These were the words that haunts me to this day: “If you don’t give him the eraser, I will ask EVERYONE not to go to your party!”, stressing the word ‘everyone’.
It was a day I learned about power, and the day I lost my eraser.
Then my memory brings me to high school. With hope in mind that I could finally blend in, make some friends, and probably change the whole world. Boy, was I wrong…
Everything remained and I was still a fat (I think I lost a hell lot weight back then, but the self image persist), ugly and tall-ist freak in class (boys back then are still very short, they didn’t grow till the last year of high school). I was already at my current height 170cm (yes I haven’t grown an inch since then, I’m a shorty, laugh all you want) and dreaded it. I hated my height, ashamed of my body, annoyed by my inward attitude, basically, I hated everything about me. If anyone understands the meaning of ‘low self-esteem’, it was me.
The only thing that changed for the better, was that my performance in grades moved from last few in class, to top ten in school. Great! Now I’m a NERD. And then I was the unpopular geeky nerd for the rest of my high school years.
I remember the happiest moment of my life, was when I graduated. October 2001, the day I laughed, for the first time, so profoundly everyone thought I was crazy. Everyone else was crying, exchanging notebooks to sign, throwing hugs at each other, taking photos like there’s no tomorrow. I was so happy, I was dance-skipping everywhere I go, didn’t even look back when my mom arrived to pick me up at school.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yup yup, then came the miracles of puberty and I blossomed in my late 17 to early 18, just when I entered college. It even came to me as a shock when I was first approached by guys who showed interest in me. At first I thought they were pulling my legs, trying to pull pranks on me. Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize what was happening but imagine the astonishment I had when I was crowned Prom Queen a year later in 2003. I am still dumbfounded by that incident.
Ahh… college life… The golden years of my life. I was given total freedom for the first time, and had many firsts~
- The first time I stayed out pass 5pm. - The first time I went to a movie with friends - The first time I went to A movie - The first time I “yum cha” (night tea) at mamak - The first time I know what is a “Mamak” - Then there is the first time I drive - First time to drink my first liquor - First time entering a pub (in Bangsar, *clubbing*) - First time being court - First time prom queen - ** dye hair - ** wear high heels - ** wear mini skirt - ** shopping - ** make-up - ** uses skin care products - ** dating - ** holiday with friends - ** bowling ………….
I can go on and on and on….. Many silly and funny first times but I wouldn’t wanna bore you…. :D
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One time, somewhere in my 20, back from England and working in KL, I chatted with this guy online who turned out to be really rude, and his words were just… precious….
Jerk: People like you will never understand how ugly people feel. Me: ….. that’s not true Jerk: is it not? You people are born with a pretty face, you will never understand how if feels like to be ugly. Me: …… (is that a compliment or an insult?) Jerk: You think that everyone favors you and you can get whatever you want, you are nothing but a snobbish person and only think of yourself, don’t care how others feel Jerk: You use people to get what you want, you are a selfish snob! I hate people like you. You think you are so good and everyone has to like you and do things your way ……. ….. …
He went on ranting for another 10 minutes, cursing the oblivious me. And the best part, I don’t even know him. Turned out, he was used and dumped by a china girl before and therefore I was unlucky enough to be targeted by him online (as he thought I was pretty). I assume she (china girl) was pretty and was wondering if I should be angry or laugh at what this guy is saying to me.
If you hate pretty girls so much, then why do you go and date one in the first place. Doesn’t that make you shallow as well? Jerk.
(Somemore add me and chat with me) Double Jerk. >p
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And just a few days ago, I decided to spill my feelings to someone, I know it sounded pitiful, but my ‘scar’ was hurting and I thought maybe I can share how I think. These were my exact quotes:
Me: i always dream of throwing a big birthday bash for myself.. but.. haha.. nth... i am no celebrity. no one would attend... Me: so every year... i prefer to celeb it alone.. to forget how little friends i have.. Me: by hiding away... gave me an excuse to not feel lonely... by not telling any friend, gave my friends excuse to not remember my birthday
Somehow… he got offended, or upset.. or something… instead of saying “Don’t worry, I’ll celebrate it with you.” Or at least, don’t say anything at all and let me sulk. -.-;;
Sigh~~~ Pretty Ugly Me~~~ What shall I do with you?
How I wish I have 6 hands and 3 computers. Things can be done 3 times the speed and 3 times the amount.
2 brains would help too, one sleeping while the other still functioning. Kinda like a dolphin. Bah…. Life sucks.
*Wiggle around in my bed*
Oh here we have our third episode of pillow talk. Excuse the more atrocious appearance and the tattooed dark circles, I think I haven’t had proper sleep in like…. eh…. duh…. *scratching head*… (point taken).
I don’t know why the bloody hell my house have so many fridges. It’s not like we have a very big family. No, it’s only me, my elder brother, mom and dad.
And a maid if you count that as a consumer.
I like to call the first and largest fridge the ‘food fridge’. In there you find poultries, vegetables, prawns…etc, food that need to be cooked before consuming. It is a fridge that interest no guest, thus it is hidden in the far depths of the back kitchen.
Then there’s my favorite fridge. (Yes I do have a ‘favorite’ fridge, doesn’t everybody? *smirk*) It’s called the ‘snack fridge’. Where you find all my chocolates, ice creams, cookies, fruits, juices, chocolate drinks, mayonnaise (I’m the only one eating mayo at home), cheese…etc, which is located at the dining hall. Yup, after a meal you just walked to the fridge and take your desserts.
It is also located nearest to my room. *smiling blatantly*
Then lastly, we have the ‘backup fridge’. Like its name, this fridge comes to use when we over-bought stuff and have ran out of space in the above two fridges, we will stock the remaining stuff into the third fridge. It is somewhat bigger than the snack fridge and slightly smaller than the food fridge.
This fridge is especially functioning during parties or Chinese New Year when there’s a lot of food to store to feed a large group of people. It’s a very lonely fridge cause it’s situated outside the back kitchen in the backyard. Only visited every once in a while during festivals.
Sometimes I ponder if the reason we have the snack fridge is due to me. I have a very different dietary habit than the rest of my family members, mostly consists of chocolates and fruits. I hardly eat rice (unless it’s sushi) and I can’t live without raw food and desserts.
Which is why I’m closely connected to my refrigerators.
“If you have a dream, what would it be?” Erm… I’m not sure. If it’s too unrealistic, no point having it. If it’s realistic, then it won’t be a dream at all. Haha…
I recently watched some videos from youtube on a TV series entitled “Real Housewives” (of the orange county). It’s something like a hit series after desperate housewives, only this time these people are filmed real life.
Although it’s hard to tell if they’re really real life or script written, my guess would have to be script written, coz there’s no way some of the scene capture can be so perfect. I mean, the camera man can even be allowed in the bathroom? While the girl showers?! Mmm.. (But I think they removed the series already, oh well)
The lifestyle those people are living in? It is pathethic!! Utterly preposterous, the luxurious lives they possess, when going out for night party meant to the playboy mansion! When a shopping spree is really a SPREE! When a home is actually a MANSION! When a weekend afternoon was spent on a yacht! How come I was never born a blue blood? or at least disgustingly rich?
I hate TV series like this. It’s like we’re being forced to watch how they splurge and spend their meaningless lives away getting wasted in ways that we don’t even have the creativity to dream about.
These people are just a bunch of spoilt house-whores with their fancy SUVs or Lambos and their over-enlarged implants sticking out of their cute Versace T tip-toeing around f@#$ingly posh designer stores in their overrated Jimmy Choos while dangling those over-priced Christian Dior’s ugly mini pouch off their shoulders looking extremely Victoria Beckham. …… (*silence…) I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT!!
It comes a point in your life when you realize you’re still all alone and haven’t achieve anything that’s worth a say, then you ask yourself “Is this what life is all about? Or is there more?” but more importantly… “What am I doing here?!!!”
I dream to travel the world. It’s a silly dream, in between the lines of idealism and realism, so I would say, possibly achievable. No, this is not some childish dream that one had when they were young, and could only hope to keep it as a fantasy when they grow up. I’m still keeping this dream and hope to pursue it, if I haven’t already started pursuing it. So I’m a kid, sue me!
With technologies of today and of all sorts of possible career paths and target markets, practically nothing is impossible. If a person can be famous just by writing intellectual rubbish online, get sponsored around and even make it a JOB to create gossips, let me repeat, Nothing Is Impossible!
But sadly, I haven’t found the correct gateway to my dream so to speak…. yet!
Gimme some time, I’m still working on it. Though I have been saying that for the past three years… -.-;;
Apology for the short short blog entries recently as all of you might have known that I am in my study hibernation, and time is running out. *Screaming at the top of my lungs while pulling all my hairs out*
If a painting speaks a thousand words, then a video would represent millions of words here. Ha ha…
With each passing second, I am nearing insanity. This video would probably be a really good proof to my insanity streak. Great for laughs, I even laughed at myself. But anyway, I chose this mtv because I fell in love with Akon recently and his song – I wanna love you (aka I wanna fuck you) is tight!
With some good editing and probably the urge to gather enough excitement to keep me going on my papers, this is what I produced. Enjoy….
Yo, hear me say Nigga again! (so I’m miming.. big deal~)
Listening to one of the most sentimental cum instrumental song, I guarantee any candle tea light dinner to be a success with this composed piece. Miles Davis – I fall in love too easily. Don’t take the title for granted, the music (no lyrics) is probably not what you would have imagined, but it’s awesome at night with the light’s down.
Been having tons of things stuck in my mind recently. My heavy traveling has toned down a lot this month, leaving me with plenty of time at home to finish my papers, and to think.
Thinking is not good, I always say; too much thinking leads to unnecessary doubts and excess stress. But when one is stuck at home, especially in her own room for study hibernation, with nothing but a pc and a mobile phone as a sole communication tool to the outer world; one THINK A LOT.
I foresee the next few months of 2007 is going to be a very exciting and bumpy ride for me, I’m sure too it would be a turning point in my life; I’m no fortune teller, but I see dramatic changes and I’m all over it. It’s all a matter of time, slowly and ever so ready to pounce on me.
These past few months, friends from all over the world started sending me invitations to visit their home-country or resident country. If I were to take on the offer each and every single one, I probably would have literally traveled the world, including Israel. Well, maybe except India. Unfortunately, I have a life to live, responsibilities to carry and future career to pursue (a loaded big fat bank account would have changed everything though). But I already have few destinations in mind. *wink, you know who you are, where you are*
Also, been trying dead hard to lose some weight. Study hibernation ain’t helping much, the pointer in the weighing machine kept moving towards the right these days. Idiot machine ……. *shift around to see if the pointer would swing left*
Anyway, this it the second episode of my pillow talk. Catch it on youtube as well.
Guys/girls are troubles, love is frustrating, and relationships are nothing but a nuisance. How many of you agree with me on that? Raise your hand.
I presume most, if not all, people would throw their hands up in the air to this question.
She loves him, he loves her friend, but her friend loves another. It’s an on-going cycle. And even when we agree on the point above, we will still fall into the love trap, again and again and again and again.
Think about it, we have spent the early part of our puberty worrying about puppy love, teenage life suffering in one sided love, young adulthood playing with love, late 20’s searching for true love and the rest of our lives committing suicide to what we naively thought was true love during our 20’s.
We love LOVE. It’s a love-hate relationship. Even we hate love, we can’t seem to get away from it, cause we still love to LOVE. We love falling in love, building love, making love, fight for love, repairing love, and eventually learn to fall out of love so we can start to fall in love all over again.
Girls who say they are tired of love need love the most, guys who say they had enough of love wants love ever more. If a person tells you he/she doesn’t need love, he is lying. People who say they have too many lovers and loves, are lack of love, all the more do they need real love.
Some people can only love one person in their whole life, some a few, and some prefer one every week.
Some loves are built towards the opposite human gender, some choose the same human gender, some go both ways and some even can love beyond human species.
But we’re not here to discuss about that, nor the ethical issues that lies behind it. No, we’re talking about love, focusing on the topic love.
How many of you swore to yourself that you will never ever again in your life love another person again as much as you did to the previous one, or even never to believe in love for as long as you live; but found yourself falling in love again and sooner than you thought, say few years? months? weeks? Or even days?
I have a friend, whose name not to be mentioned, broke up and swore that was the first in the longest time and also the last time to love someone so deeply and truly and even stayed up the whole night crying his heart out for that someone, fell instantly in love with my other friend, say.. within 6 hours after his breakup. Go figure… I will never understand about love.
Never did and never will, I think marriage can be done without love. Who needs love, it’s just an illusion man creates to fool themselves into thinking there’s a feeling powerful enough to level themselves with god. – Note: I did not say that, words from he who need not be named. Besides, what is love anyway? We asked about love so often that we eat, breathe and sleep on love.
But seriously, I think love is an illusion. A feeling we put ourselves into believing we cannot breathe without it. We crave for companionship, therefore we look for love; we crave for proof in life, someone who can be the witness and attention provider to our existences, therefore we want love; we crave to kill the loneliness (no matter what you say about loving not because of feeling lonely, but because of love… blah blah) we human carries, from birth till death.
We are pitiful beings, and though love is a lie (if all of the above are true), we still nonetheless believe in it and strongly wish that love exist. You know why? Cause we need something to survive on/believe in; something that can make things better when you have everything, or something to makes things seems hopeful when all else is at lost. Ya know, love can solve anything~~ *ish~~ *roll eyes*
Erm… wise decision, a bit reckless, but wise (Okay, I’m conflicting myself) No wait, this is better.
Feeling kinda lazy and at the same time distracted by my busy schedule to update my blog recently. Some of you might have thought I must have disappeared to another paradise since it has been quite a while I updated my blog.
Well, fortunately for those of you who sulk at my travel opportunities (kidding guys :p), I am still in Melaka, goofing around town and slacking my time off as the fire started burning my arse off with the dateline of my assignments around the corner.
Right, Halloween and Christmas are over, so has New Year, there’s really no excuse to ignore the glaring of my stacking papers (I swear, it glared at me!) everyday as I sleaze around the World Wide Web or around South East Asia.
“Come on! Gimme a break, it’s Halloween/Christmas/New year!!” – I’m sure I remembered using all three terms at once.
Well break time’s over, I have stored enough chocolates for me to last me till spring for my study hibernation, time to get serious. It’s been a long time since I actually sit down and focus 101% on my work (or any work that is) so I can have fun again…. Er…. Did I say that? I mean so I can graduate and become an official master graduate. ;)
Ever seen a girl on study hibernation? I tell you, it’s very ugly. If you think an ugly girl with no make up is unbearable, then don’t even think about asking how a girl under hibernation looks like? You don’t want to know. I’m serious; you really don’t want to know.
Scaly and yellowish skin, hair worse than wake up do, dark circles that seems permanent, bulging eyes balls, disoriented body structure due to long term bending in front of the pc, etc etc. But I am not going to tell you all that, no, it’s too ugly to describe.
Due to this, I developed a love for my bedroom and my PJs. Living most of my life in my room and surfing the internet wave, I have started a hobby in wearing comfortable and colorful night wear, it makes me happy. I have also made friends with all the cuddlies in my room; talking to them when I am bored, hug them when I feel lonely.
Meet Mousy, my new found love. (see me cam-whore in my room)
