Being Alone and People I love

There are times when I just want to shut down and refuse to speak to anyone. It has nothing to do with depression nor sorrow. It has nothing to do with stress nor personal issues.

It's just that, I like being alone.

I grew up pretty much alone throughout my life, despite a family cared-for childhood, I grew up in a family with little intimacy around the house, not that we don't love each other, but expressing emotions was never apparent. Have a maid for as long as I can remember and both my parents have been working as soon as I can make my own milo ice.

I can always remember waking up to an empty house, during holidays, except for Sundays, and sat alone in the living room watching TV all by myself, till dusk came and my parents to return way after sunset. Dinner was the most anticipated moment in a day when I got to dine with my parents and brother, who left for uni as soon as I enter senior high.

At school, I was always the quiet one, the weird and the geek. And I always felt sad about being alone all the time, with no friends and no one to talk to. But I grew out of that and then I had many friends in college, in uni and increasingly more when I started travelling.

I have all sorts of friends, most of which I keep in touch over the internet. There are few friends in the world whom I seem to meet only when overseas. Shawn, for one, is a dear friend whom I first met in Bangkok, then in Langkawi, never able to meet in KL nor Kuching (his hometown), and presumably the next time we meet will be in Japan. It was never intentional, it just falls in place naturally, coincidentally. We did try to arrange to meet up once in KL, but it was always the case that I was never in the country, or he was never coming over when I was in the country.

Then there's Stuart, the British guy whom I met in Cambodia earlier this year, a travel mate whom I've grown a fond liking towards. A dear and sincere friend, someone whom I can click with and someone who share the passion in travelling and perspectives in life as I do, not a common thing, and I do find these people very rare. I do have very weird, extraordinary if not, perspectives on life. Simple. Never complicated. Yet very uncommon.

The next time we meet might either be in Bangkok, or Beijing. Let fate decides.

I enjoy having this silent conversation over the internet where it doesn't involve actual talking. It's like speaking your mind, through your hands.

Overtime, I have grown very used to being alone. Reading a book on a bus, gazing into nothingness and think about things that didn't matter. But it was alright, I enjoyed my time alone, with myself, with my book, with my thoughts. I love the time I spend with myself, with nature, with the cold air or the hot breeze, the sunny afternoon or the starry night. It has been a delight. And I must admit I still enjoy them thoroughly.

And as much as I do enjoy a good conversation, or a few, too many of a good thing becomes dull, and tires a person eventually. And that was what happened to me. Tired, of meeting new people every single day and creating new conversation, repeating the old, every single day. Do not be mistaken, I love it. I have come to love every single soul I have met throughout my trips, and they have nothing but kind, sweet and friendly to me. And without them, these trips won't be as great and as wonderful as they were. In fact, they would be pretty miserable without them.

I can still remember their names, it was just like yesterday. Gosh I can't believe I have been here for four weeks, and counting, time sure flies. Patricia, Stuart, Darrell, Jessie, Bryan, Casey, Regina, Henry, Tee Hiong, Adeline, Kif, Ru, Kevin, Juan Mann, Chun Siong, Kenny, Bill, Cousin Tween, Paul, my lovely nephews, and now William. Thanks for all the wonderful times in Australia. And I'm sure we will meet again very soon. :D

But I'm a very laid back person. I like to take things easy. I like to do nothing and zonk out, live in my dreams and do absolutely nothing. Over a glass of wine and some good music, sit by the fireplace and let my mind brings me somewhere else. A good book always helps. Else, there's always wine. :)

And sometimes, being quiet and all alone, I find myself. I find peace and I find answers to the many things in life. Think through things I don't usually think about when I'm out and about meeting new friends and having exciting conversations.

Right now, it's good being alone. And I think I would like to keep it that way, for now.