Lost in the City of Angels

My msn nick displayed “Lost in Siem Reap, Cambodia”.

This morning someone messaged me asking if I am really lost in Cambodia? I thought for a moment, and replied yes.

He asked again: “does that mean you can’t find your way home?”

This got my thinking. Lost, this is what I feel now. I used to know what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go though I have no particular destination in mind, but it never bothered me. I know what I am doing, and I felt good doing it. I have a purpose, yes, a sense of purpose. As long as I keep to my purpose, I know what I want to do is a choice I have decided to opt, no questions asked.

Then you showed up, we met and chatted and drank under the stars. Like one of those romantic escape to a foreign city movies, boy meets girl, girl become captivated, attraction occurs and sparks fly.

Two weeks flew by in a glimpse, 14 beautiful days and gorgeous moments shared over the virtual mail, the endless nights of phone calls, uncountable amount of texts; and I was back by your side, and how good it felt when I saw you walking towards me, in your work wear after a day’s hard pursuit. We took a day off, you and I, from work and from goals; and cheekily spent a lazy day running about the city in taxis; talked or even flirted a bit over the longest lunch you have ever taken, and chatted endlessly again under the immaculate sky, not even the view to a whole city of brilliant lights that sparkled like a thousands fishing lights on a lake mattered; we had each other’s gaze, occasionally shying away to look into the distance that meant so little to us now.

But I have to leave, as to every story there’s an ending, to pursue my journey which I have decided so long ago to ensue, and you to return back to the society I am less than familiar with. I should be happy, to have met and caressed under your wonder, the enchantment of a city in a perspective I have not seen it before; and to be contented that I could once again move on to the journey ahead of me.

Little did I know, I left a huge chunk of me behind, back in the city of angels. And the moment I boarded that train, the moment I crossed the border, the moment my phone line could no longer be in contact with you, I felt lost. Like a kitty strayed under the rain in the middle of the night crying for pity. It was almost instantaneous; I cringed inside and wanted to run back to you. I know I couldn’t. You might have someone else, a life I do not understand and could not relate to, and my place is here.

Or is it?

Home? Home used to be the world for me, I felt at peace wherever I go as long I’m on the move constantly. I wanted to explore, to see more, to experience all there is out there. I was greedy, like a kid who had too much sugar but wouldn’t know when or how to stop. And I still want more. But now my heart seems to have lost its direction, and I don’t know where I should be heading to next, and it doesn’t matter much either. Have I lost my way home?

Home is where you feel most needed, wanted, at peace, secured and as a whole. Home, is where my heart had fled. Even if the plan has been listed out, the countries have been decided, and though I do not know where I will be heading to next, I can’t wait to return home. But where is home?

I am lost, inside.

I understand, but too reluctant to ask, to know the truth, to accept the results. I wanted a place, secured true and solid. An endless pursuit to no where is not what I am aiming for any longer, it could neither keep my satisfied nor fulfilled because somehow, somewhere in the middle, my goals and meanings have changed, I am left with emptiness, nothing but a soul-less body. And my question remains:

“Can I call you my home?”


31 kissed Nicole

  1. You looked lost.
    By the way, you earned at least one reader in Siem Reap :)

  2. the ponderer21/5/08 10:08 PM

    Heaven is the only true home one can ever have because in heaven, there is no time and its beauty goes on and on for eternity.

    Nothing in this world can ever beat that. Because everything in this world will pass away one day. As long as it is contained in 'time', there is an expiry date.

    Hope you find your way to heaven before your expiry date.

    All the best!

  3. Touching and beautifully written entry.

    Wishing you happiness,

  4. this is the best among the other "just babbling" post.

  5. beautifully phrased....

  6. Wah Nick....very the damn 'chim' wat u wrote. But damn 'kam tong' la...

    Wat I can say is...Si Pek Boh Gao Kun...

  7. You must teach me English~ I can't touch hearts with my English like u do...(^_^)"

  8. its been said, "home is where your heart is"

  9. Jacintha Loo22/5/08 1:24 AM

    There is no home.

    Home is just an illusion.

    No one has ever had a true home.

    Find your resort.

  10. WTF are you talking about?? BooOOOrrrrriiiiinnngGGGGGgggggg!!!

  11. Cool shit! Starmetro? WOW! Wat a huge leap! A tremendous recognition for ur writing ability! Congratulations!!!!!!! ~Will subscribe to Starmetro now. Wait a minute... does Miri sell Starmetro?

  12. luv your travel blog but
    i think you should blog bout your travels and not this emo crap!

  13. Oh Nicole! I'm so happy for you that you found someone who you could call your home :) He must be the luckiest guy on earth to have made you change your goals unknowingly and yet willingly. Good luck to you! *hugs*

  14. tis is full of illusions/confusion/hints. wish u best of luck!

  15. wow...that's one emo piece of writing. Keep it up. That lucky bastard must be the luckiest one on earth.

    Think many guys would be heartbroken by this entry. teehee=>

    take care and keep up with your fantastic writing

  16. wah, his pussy servicing must be fantastic for you to get this emo!! Lucky bastard!!!

  17. This sounds so "Cecilia Ahern", lol =)

  18. obviously she's not talking bout a guy but rather a metaphor of describing purpose.

  19. hey.. had been a silent reader of urs.. but anyhow tis blog entry of urs somehow juz touched my heart... kinda sad laa.. i am not the 1 u talkin bout.. haha... but anyway wish u all the best yaa.. in finding the home tat makes u feel safe and sound

  20. I think I have lost my way too.....life is a roller-coaster isn't it?

  21. wow, I am keen to know who is that lucky guy :-)

  22. im sure u r in love... hmm... all the best dear...

  23. Oh well, just wanna say I felt for you, and dont give him up. One can only has one love in life...

  24. Please don't swear so much, if "Shit" is coming out from the wrong end, that is not very good~ Thank you...

  25. must be that guy in bangkok rite?

  26. Nicole's got a bf already?
    sigh...bad day for me....

  27. Im as lost as you are. Im in New York and wonder if I can ever call this my home. I want to, but is it even right? What IS right?

    Totally relate to this post. Beautiful entry!

  28. totally different country...diffrent location..either you or him have to sacrifice to be together..i really dun understand..why people so easy to fall in love when they're in another country..control!control!control!

  29. Oh...why were you not going to Pangkor a little while ago?

  30. ...and you know it as you do now, be true to your heart, relentlessly searching for home, keeping that eternal flame burning till you reach your destination.
    home, whichever form it may take, till your soul is at peace.
    life as we all living it now, no one is any different, unceasingly bobbing up and down in the eternal restless wave.
    and we keep going, and going, and we sing, we sing along with life, coming full circle and repeat that circle, going a little higher with each curves, a variation of more or less the same as the beginning.

    ...is there anything new under the sun...

  31. Hi Nicole

    Simply amazing! Doing so much at such an early age. Wish I know about you earlier..

    Stay safe. Enjoy your life's adventures because you only live once.

    Cheers! Eric