“How were you like in high school?”, “I bet you must be a school-flower back then.” These are the normal ask and self answer question people throw at me every now and then, thinking they’re paying compliments to me.
To which I snorted: “Yea… right… “
Many would not know, and many would not believe, and I never take the effort to tell or explain to people how my life was. There are people who said I am secretive. But I disregard those comments, believing that people’s view about me isn’t important.
So here I am, in my blog, in my little space, with no whatsoever intention to try to explain myself to the world; I find myself talking about my life like I have never before, to probably plenty of anonymous out there that don’t know me and like-wise. My journey begins here…
I grew up a depressed child.
In high school and in elementary school. I don’t think I can recall any happy moments during the age of 7 – mid 17. It’s like a dark age for me, a period that I have hypnotized myself into forgetting.
I remember being a happy baby with loving family, I remember going to kindergarten and having lots of friends. Everything went blank after that, with only scraps of images and a blooded self-image back then I can only dream to erase now. It’s a scar, a deep cut in my heart that… occasionally during depress times, it emerges and reminds me that it is still there.
I was this fat (well, I wouldn’t call it fat, maybe a slight chub, or bit plum-ish, but never fat now that I look back) and ugly, unattractive, tall-ish freak in class. To top things off, I was a quiet, shy, inward, anti-social kid at school. No teacher liked me, no classmates wanna hang out with me, I had no friends and I always hid myself in one dark corner in class.
Being an 11 year-old Standard 5 student, I already had the freakish height of 164cm. Which didn’t help on my ego when other fellow classmates started calling the monster or the dinosaur as early as Standard 2 due to my size, in fact, I weighed normally for my height back then, not skinny, just appear to be large size compare with the rest of the students.
I was always the last in line, always the stand out in class (in a bad way), never a teacher’s favorite (probably one of the least fav?), a bully target of boys in class and laughing stock of the popular girls. It’s as pathetic as you can imagine, just like those exaggerated high school life portrayed in Hollywood movies and Japanese drama.
There was this once, when I was 9, my doting mom wanted to throw me a birthday party and asked me to invite all my classmates. With her knowing I have no friends and hope that this party would allow me to get a chance to be accepted by my classmates, or how you would call it? Blend in? I was overjoyed!! Never in my life someone remembers my birthday (other than my parents, but they too forgot sometimes), nor have I ever receive a birthday present. I was thrilled! Exhilarated! Ecstatic! I told every single classmate of mine few months in advance and was so desperate to have all of them come, especially the popular groups.
Then one day few weeks before the party, something happen. It was the competition of the annual class cleanliness, and my class came in first. We were announced winner during assembly and the whole class won a box of erasers. I know it’s stupid, but back then, that eraser in my hand was the most precious thing ever. There’s this boy-bully of the class was playing with his prized eraser, and all of a sudden, it bounced off and disappeared.
Feeling upset, he cried (kids… *roll eyes*); his twin sister, one of the popular girls and also the BFF of the most popular girl in class, came over and confronted me (and even though she knew it wasn’t my fault), deliberately blamed me for stealing his eraser. When I denied and refused to submit my possession, she sent a threat to me. These were the words that haunts me to this day: “If you don’t give him the eraser, I will ask EVERYONE not to go to your party!”, stressing the word ‘everyone’.
It was a day I learned about power, and the day I lost my eraser.
Then my memory brings me to high school. With hope in mind that I could finally blend in, make some friends, and probably change the whole world. Boy, was I wrong…
Everything remained and I was still a fat (I think I lost a hell lot weight back then, but the self image persist), ugly and tall-ist freak in class (boys back then are still very short, they didn’t grow till the last year of high school). I was already at my current height 170cm (yes I haven’t grown an inch since then, I’m a shorty, laugh all you want) and dreaded it. I hated my height, ashamed of my body, annoyed by my inward attitude, basically, I hated everything about me. If anyone understands the meaning of ‘low self-esteem’, it was me.
The only thing that changed for the better, was that my performance in grades moved from last few in class, to top ten in school. Great! Now I’m a NERD. And then I was the unpopular geeky nerd for the rest of my high school years.
I remember the happiest moment of my life, was when I graduated. October 2001, the day I laughed, for the first time, so profoundly everyone thought I was crazy. Everyone else was crying, exchanging notebooks to sign, throwing hugs at each other, taking photos like there’s no tomorrow. I was so happy, I was dance-skipping everywhere I go, didn’t even look back when my mom arrived to pick me up at school.
Yup yup, then came the miracles of puberty and I blossomed in my late 17 to early 18, just when I entered college. It even came to me as a shock when I was first approached by guys who showed interest in me. At first I thought they were pulling my legs, trying to pull pranks on me. Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize what was happening but imagine the astonishment I had when I was crowned Prom Queen a year later in 2003. I am still dumbfounded by that incident.
Ahh… college life… The golden years of my life. I was given total freedom for the first time, and had many firsts~
- The first time I stayed out pass 5pm.
- The first time I went to a movie with friends
- The first time I went to A movie
- The first time I “yum cha” (night tea) at mamak
- The first time I know what is a “Mamak”
- Then there is the first time I drive
- First time to drink my first liquor
- First time entering a pub (in Bangsar, *clubbing*)
- First time being court
- First time prom queen
- ** dye hair
- ** wear high heels
- ** wear mini skirt
- ** shopping
- ** make-up
- ** uses skin care products
- ** dating
- ** holiday with friends
- ** bowling
I can go on and on and on….. Many silly and funny first times but I wouldn’t wanna bore you…. :D
One time, somewhere in my 20, back from England and working in KL, I chatted with this guy online who turned out to be really rude, and his words were just… precious….
Jerk: People like you will never understand how ugly people feel.
Me: ….. that’s not true
Jerk: is it not? You people are born with a pretty face, you will never understand how if feels like to be ugly.
Me: …… (is that a compliment or an insult?)
Jerk: You think that everyone favors you and you can get whatever you want, you are nothing but a snobbish person and only think of yourself, don’t care how others feel
Jerk: You use people to get what you want, you are a selfish snob! I hate people like you. You think you are so good and everyone has to like you and do things your way
He went on ranting for another 10 minutes, cursing the oblivious me. And the best part, I don’t even know him. Turned out, he was used and dumped by a china girl before and therefore I was unlucky enough to be targeted by him online (as he thought I was pretty). I assume she (china girl) was pretty and was wondering if I should be angry or laugh at what this guy is saying to me.
If you hate pretty girls so much, then why do you go and date one in the first place. Doesn’t that make you shallow as well? Jerk.
(Somemore add me and chat with me) Double Jerk. >p
And just a few days ago, I decided to spill my feelings to someone, I know it sounded pitiful, but my ‘scar’ was hurting and I thought maybe I can share how I think. These were my exact quotes:
Me: i always dream of throwing a big birthday bash for myself.. but.. haha.. nth... i am no celebrity. no one would attend...
Me: so every year... i prefer to celeb it alone.. to forget how little friends i have..
Me: by hiding away... gave me an excuse to not feel lonely... by not telling any friend, gave my friends excuse to not remember my birthday
Somehow… he got offended, or upset.. or something… instead of saying “Don’t worry, I’ll celebrate it with you.” Or at least, don’t say anything at all and let me sulk. -.-;;
Sigh~~~ Pretty Ugly Me~~~ What shall I do with you?