Thoughts of You

Copied these post from my FB wall so I have a record of these thoughts. 

Written om 10/11/2017
I don't know how people do it, still have a life while their love one is bed ridden waiting for death to knock on door. I can't bring myself to be happy, or to enjoy a moment. I envy those who can, even for a bit. My life stopped the moment I knew my mom was slipping away right before my eyes, even before she entered a coma, even while she was still conscious. It's been a hustle of switching from hospital to hospital, doctor to doctor, emails and phone calls to various treatment centres around the world. And then it was too late, before I knew it, I have been back in Melaka for more than a month taking care of her round the clock. My whole world is lying on a bed, a tube down her throat, lifeless-like aside from the warmth on her skin and the irregular breathing through her mouth. She is here and yet she is no longer here. I still tell her I love her every day, then planting a kiss on her forehead, even when she can't hear or feel my presence. Every inch of this house is shrouded with my memory of her. I miss her every day, but especially so every night. Often I would roam the dark living room, the hall, the rooms, chasing memories in my head. Last night while sitting alone in the dark, I realised I haven't spoken to her in weeks, or say 'mom' the way I would usually call my mom. So I called her out and pretended to be talking to her like I used to, before I knew it my face was soaked in tears. 

Mom passed away today at 5:29pm in her own home surrounded by family and relatives. In loving memory of Mdm Ong Him, wake services will be from 12 Nov - 14 Nov. Cremation on Wednesday, 15th November at 2pm.

I will miss you till the day I breathe my last breath.

Today marks the 18th day since you left me. It felt like an eternity has passed. Yet your scent, the feel of your skin, the shape of your nails and fingers that I came to know so well sitting by your bed through all those weeks, your pain and sufferings, the sound of your breath and so much more still vibrantly etched on my mind like it was yesterday. I can't sleep, like many nights before; this night (or morning) I'm plagued by your groans when you're in pain, the sound of phlegm stuck in your throat which I had to help perform suction to extract, the wounds and open sores I helped mend throughout your body, the twitches in your hands, then your arms, followed by your entire body, the theme defines this to be one of the harsher nights to get by. I'm no longer certain if chasing after your memories is torture or healing, maybe I am desperately clinging onto whatever connection I have with you, perhaps reliving old memories I had with you, or forming new ones. A week ago I found photos of you in your teens, photos I have never seen before, a side of you I never met, knew or heard of. I couldn't pry myself away from the photo albums trying to discover more hidden sides of you. I was getting to know you all over again, it gave me comfort. But it was followed by an immediate sadness knowing I will never find out where you were in those photos, who were those friends you're with, was it a fun day at the waterfall because in the picture you looked happy. Mom, do you know what is the hardest part? There are times I still can't believe that you are gone. The reality of it would hit me so hard, and swift, I would literally grasp for air. It could happen anytime, on sleepless nights like this, in the afternoon while I'm reading, when I'm thinking of you, or worse, when I woke up from a dream. Those days are especially challenging.

You last words rang loud in my heart. "Be strong". You knew life can be harsh, cruel, difficult and filled with all kinds of challenges, because you had a hard life, and an even harder childhood. Life had not been kind nor fair to you despite your compassion and emphathy to others. You were the strongest person I know. Not a day has passed that I don't miss you dearly.


0 kissed Nicole