There will always be just one

Six months ago, dad was lying beneath me and I was holding on to his hand so tight I was so afraid to lose him, I’d sworn I would never want to experience this kind of pain again.

Six months later, I see you now below me, and now I am holding your hand. 140km/hr through a dark rainy 240km highway and I found myself looking into your endearing eyes next to your bed.

I wondered how those eyes look extremely familiar as I have never really looked into them like I have now. And realized I have the exact same pair of eyes. I am your daughter at heart and by blood.

I asked if you were scared. You said no. I’m not sure if you were telling the truth, because honestly, I am.

We talked about dad, about brother, about my blog, about work, about the stupid joke that stupid analgesist made: “Yea, there’s one more risk the doctor didn’t mention it to you. You might go in and never come out *chuckles*”, to which you cheekily replied: “that’s not a risk anymore doctor, because if that happen, I wouldn’t even realize it, haha”.

My tears welled up. And I remembered those encouragements my friends gave, never to show your weak side in front of her, and I swallowed back my tears, made a sniffle and fumbled something in between a chuckle and a sigh.

We remained silent for a while before you changed the topic to my work again.

You love talking about my blog, and you’re probably the only person in the world who shows such passion and support to my blog, and what made me the luckiest daughter is you take pride in it. Even though it’s only a measly little website. If I were given 100 chances to re-live my life and the option to choose the people I meet, I wouldn’t have it any other way than it is now. You will always, forever, past, present or future be my mom.

An hour passed swiftly, dad called to ask for my return. I reluctantly stood up, ushered you to bed, tucked you in, covered you with one more layer of jacket before planting a kiss on your forehead and bid you goodnight.

Even though I’ve freshened up, back in my room now with my comfy bed next to me, all I really want is to be there with you, and I wonder why I am here when I should be there. I just want to stay up all night just to stare at you sound asleep, so afraid that you might be out of my sight unexpectedly. You asked me to go back and return early next morning, asked me to head straight to bed and not do any work or study. You knew I’m stubborn, and I knew you wanted me there. So why am I here?

I can’t sleep tonight, I don’t know how to, I’m staring at the wall not knowing what to think, not daring to think…