Last night was hard.
I was in pain. And loneliness was flooding my soul. I wanted to hear her voice, so bad, even for a little while, a little bit.
No amount of screaming could mend the tear in my heart, tears flowed and I could no longer hear my own thoughts. I remember walking into the pool fully clothed, and sinking my head beneath the water didn't really clear my mind. But the cold did, slowly, as I sat in the water while the time ticked away.
I don't know how much time has passed but I remembered the lights were switched off at one point, and there I was, sitting in silence in the dark, half head emerged. Before I knew it, I stopped shivering, the water surrounding my body has warmed up to my temperature. The surface has cleared of its ripples and soon it was mirroring the buildings across.
"Get over it"
"Move on already"
"This is not how she wanted you to live"
These were actual words from the mouths of people who meant well.
"Time will heal"
Yes but when? When does this stop? Why does it feel like it's never stopping? Is there a timeline to these things? Why does the pain feel so real? And the loneliness so unbearable?
"It's time to move on"
How?! How do I 'move on' from this? What's the guide on this?
Do I wake up one day feeling the world at my feet and everything is in the past? Is there a 'grief stops here' deadline that I missed somewhere between 4.5 months ago and now? Or a happiness switch that I forgot to flick? Please show me the way to move on. Because every moment I'm reminded of her kindness, her love, and her comforting words; and every step moving forward is a step taken without her; and each future envisioned is a future envisioned without her. And each second spent with these thoughts is joy, drive and motivation stripped off of me. I lost interests in everything I do, even things I used to enjoy doing.
Google tells me that a grief timeline can stretch anywhere from 6 months to 4 years, and I'm in stage 4 of a grieving process. Yet all these are uncertain and merely encouraged. It doesn't tell me how long it's gonna take to get me to stage 5 or how to get through this period.
It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live with it. And I'm still learning how to live with it.
