Can't believe today is the last day of my twenties.
I have a natural wake up this morning with dreams I can't remember of the night before. Usually that's a good sign. If my mood were honest with itself, I don't think it really liked remembering dreams that much. If it were a bad dream, I would have a bad start to a day, horrible mood, horrible sleep; but if it were a good dream, then I would want to go back to sleep, because good dreams never have endings, you always wake up just before the best bits happen, or maybe you just want the dream to continue; so I'd try to go back to sleep and usually end up in another dream, if I were lucky, which doesn't happen very often, I might have a sequel to that wonderful dream and wished I could stay in bed the whole day. Not productive for my body, nor my mood in overall sense.
Wow. It's been a while since I ramble like this.
10 years ago I thought 30 felt like an age that would take forever to reach. And it wasn't even in my mind. That I had the whole world with me and I was happy with life when I had so little but so much at the same time.
9 years ago was a strange birthday eve for me. It was the eve of my 21st, a significant day for a pre-adult student. I spent it working on my assignment that was due on my birthday, and some Malaysian friends of mine gave me a quick surprise and delivered a lighted cake to my doorstep (we were staying in student houses outside of campus, did I also mention this was in England) that left me rather surprised, if not, somewhat delighted. We all returned promptly to our assignments though. Come to think of it, it was the first and till date, only surprise I ever had in my life.
A year ago today I was emo-ing about entering my 29th. It signified that ending of my 20s and that got me rather depressed. Because I wasn't where I wanted my life to be. And I envisioned myself to pamper myself on my 30th to an extra luxury trip, no expense spared. I had some difficult years leading up to that year, so had my bff. Her logic for spending excessively back then (i.e. bought a new, well not so new, car for herself) was that she wanted to treat herself better after all those years. I sort of agreed, but it was a time I couldn't afford to spend excessively like her. It wasn't as if I didn't want to, but in those difficult years of mine I have lost so much: financially, emotionally and if I were honest, part of myself.
Half a year ago I wanted a big bang on my 30th. A loud over-the-top drink-till-you-drop penthouse-worthy party, perhaps loud enough to make me not hear myself in case I were to slipped into those depression mode I seemed to have make a habit of on the eve of every birthday of my late twenties. Like those parties in Hollywood movies I never had.
Today, in fact, yesterday and a few days ago, I wasn't even paying attention to today nor tomorrow. That's a first for as long as the part of my habitual mind can remember (not as long as my memories serve, mind you). I guess... something in me has changed.
Maybe I'm getting matured. LOL (awkward joke line inserted)
The last three years I told myself I wanted to be happy, I flooded and brainwashed my mind with quotes and wise words I always see off the internet. You know, things like: be contented with what you have, be thankful that your family is still around, the top 20 ways to be happy, etc. But all those time, they were just words I have to repeatedly convince myself were true; to the point that I might have actually believed I was a saint to practise all these mottos (well, almost; but far from).
The last three years I told myself I wanted to be happy, I flooded and brainwashed my mind with quotes and wise words I always see off the internet. You know, things like: be contented with what you have, be thankful that your family is still around, the top 20 ways to be happy, etc. But all those time, they were just words I have to repeatedly convince myself were true; to the point that I might have actually believed I was a saint to practise all these mottos (well, almost; but far from).
Today. I feel kinda neutral. No sadness (which is a good thing), no thought on tomorrow, no wishing for something extravagant nor lots of money nor big achievement in life. No need for fancy luxury trips, nor huge ugly/awesome party; though I am quite looking forward's to today's trip to Cameron with a whole bunch of, well, mostly my friends and some new ones. :)
Is this what they called contentment?
If it is I'm not very familiar with it. Haha.
It's funny how years ago I blamed my mom for the decision I make for her sake; and today it is also because of her that I have made certain decision that I am thankful for.
And technically, today is my lunar birthday (Chinese birthday). So that means this entire post has been rendered meaningless, because I have already passed my twenties last night. hahaha.
So yes, time for breakfast. Bye everyone. Thanks for reading. However many left of you here. xoxo
Wrote by Nicole
