My mom was admitted to the hospital two weeks ago for a major surgical procedure, it was something the whole family had seen it coming for several months since last year.
For the past two weeks, I have very little sleep and have been mostly in my hometown staying by my mom's hospital bed. I probably looked like a ghost now.
I shall save the details of the surgery but it was life-changing for all of us in the family. Doctor's announcement was so bad it shook each of us to our cores, I have cried on and off for many days but before the biopsy result is out none of us want to make any declaration. As of now, my mom is recovering from the surgery.
It has been hard on all of us. There are nights I will wake up from nightmares, catching for breath. There are nights where I think too much and couldn't sleep. Three consecutive nights before the surgery, it was impossible to shut my eyes. I would get off the bed and walk the empty halls staring into the dark ceiling as fear built up. The night before the surgery, it was almost impossible to sit still. I would bury my head in my palms every hour or so in the dark room, sometimes to stop myself from sobbing, other times to stop my mind from wandering.
Often I thought about my life, how I have endured so much sufferings and pain and loss and deaths around me than most of my peers do at my age. It has made me a very reserved person, always hiding behind a veil looking out. I guess this has made me more observant over the years. Why people do the things they do, act the way they act. I almost never pass judgement. I do gossip, out of entertainment, but never meant any of the words I say and usually only with very close friends who understand me. I guess I was rather temperament in my youth; but pain and loss have ground my anger away, leaving mostly grief, and sometimes, as unfortunate as it may be, regrets. Which I usually try to see it as hard lessons in life, things that made me who I am today. One I still wonder if it's a good thing or bad. I'm a pretty hard person on myself, but a lot less hard on people around me. I almost never have expectations on things and people around me, too much disappointments and griefs have taught me that. If I were to go back ten years and look at myself now, I probably wouldn't recognise myself. It's like the carefree travelling early-20s me was a completely different person than I am now and we were brought up on different planets. I see my mom in myself. How she has grown to be this tough, gracious person from too many years of sufferings and lessons. But through it all, I see too much griefs in her, which till today it's something I wish I could take it all away for her. Time hasn't been kind to either of us. And now it threatens to be less kind. These days I'm trying to change her mindset and hopefully make her adopt a new lifestyle; firstly by taking up an all organic diet.
Been incredibly pre-occupied with the ending of 2013 and the beginning of 2014. And I hope to be more occupied in the near future to come. I'm actually looking forward to put my life into perspective and hopefully make it a more productive one.
But here's an overdue post of my platinum hair which I have yet to post on my blog.